Postsecret and other thoughts

**you dont have to read this, i simply needed it off of my chest**













One of these days I will finally have enough guts to send in a secret to postsecret. (If you weren't aware, Postsecret is a blogsite where people anonymously send in their various secrets and several are selected each week and posted)

I read the site every sunday, at least twice and i see more and more of me there than ever before. It makes me feel less alone, less screwed up sometimes because others know, they've been there to varying degrees. Its very comforting. Sometimes though, I wish I could tell my secrets to real people, the ones who ought to know, the ones who have earned my trust. But I can't. I judge myself too much to tell anyone who would further judge.

anyway, these are the secrets that touched my heart this week. They are all a little hard to confront, but i guess thats why they made me cry.

Im not quite sure what it is about holidays but

I want them to be so perfect.
But perfect in my world is so fractured.
No one shows up on time, there is always too much food. I end up getting sick and have to take heavy doses of painkillers to get through the day and there never seems to be enough sleep.

But it was wonderful. I loved sitting at the kids table this year, avoiding the adults ad their questions of what I plan on doing with my life ( I cant tell them I want to go do mission work for a while in europe of all places until I can tell my parents) and them nodding their heads in mock interest when I tell them I am a theatre major..... I loved playing spades with my family to see who would end up doing the dishes. I loved my moms stuffing, corn macshu and the praise i recieved for making a cake from a box mix.

I loved my imperfect holiday

It was perfect.


In other news, Im so thankful for
*grace and mercy
*my parents
*pajama bottoms
*time well spent

and you! Im soooo thankful God put you in my life, you have been such a blessing and I ought to tell you that much more often I dont know what I would do without you friend! You have become family. There really arent words to express how much I love my friends, but know that I carry you in my heart! Happy Thanksgiving!

Today I am thankful for

BOOKS!
I love to read. I love books
I love the places they take you and the ideas they put in your head. I enjoy discussing them with friends, the really exciting bits and the parts that make you tear up even when you almost refuse to read that one particular book anymore ( "...Susan is no longer a friend of Narnia" C.S. Lewis, The Last Battle). No matter what I love them. I even love textbooks....ok mostly history texts but still. A few times we were allowed to keep our English texts and I still read the stories from that now and again. In fifth grade, my teacher searched for quite some time to find an age-appropriate book I hadnt read so we could do a class book that year. I was such a nerd! But Im thankful that God has given people the gift of writing fiction, of wonderfully capturing non-fiction and giving us characters to aspire to be like.

*I have always identified with Jo from Little Women and Claudia from The Babysitter's Club. I wanted to be Felicity and Addy and Samantha....be a part of history that is. I wanted to go to Narnia with Peter, Susan, Lucy, Edmund, Eustace, Jill, Polly and Digory. I wanted to chase mysteries with Nancy Drew and the Boxcar Children and I wanted to travel the prarie with Pa, Ma, Mary, Laura and baby Carrie. I think I lived through them so much. Sometimes too much. At least I didnt expect life to really be like Sweet Valley High!

Heavenly Father, Thank you for authors, for painters, for musicians for actors for sculptors and dancers and singers. For clothing designers and interior designers. Thanks for giving your children the creative bug! The need to put beauty in our lives, to surround ourselves with it just as you created an entire planet for us to enjoy. Thank you for " the need to express to communicate".

Today I am thankful for

Detours.
I was 35 miles from home and had to pee. But the highway was closed. CLOSED! What jerks would close an entire stretch of highway for 20 miles on a Saturday? Anyway, I was forced to take a detour. The most beautiful drive of my life happened because of it! A tiny road lined with trees of every fall color you could imagine. There were a few houses (and a Country Club) but I never saw another living soul. It was almost surreal that a curvy, fall-tree quiet road existed like that in Louisiana but it did.
Technically Im thankful for God creating such lasting beauty. Something that changes with the seasons but with the change comes something amazing every time. No matter what.

Thank you God for trees that blossom in the spring, provide shade in the summer, change color in the fall and provide a place for icy wonderlands in winter. Thank you for flowers and grass and bushes, thank you for the sky, the sun the moon, the stars. Thank you especially for the sunsets you make everyday. I think you must know that they are my favorite. Thank you for nature and for letting us enjoy it!

Today I am Thankful for

Friends.
Friends who will have an early Thanksgiving with you
Friends who will sing songs (sometimes with four-part harmony) with you
Friends who tease
Friends who tickle (and are ticklish)
Friends who will listen
Friends who will let you listen
Friends who give hugs
Friends who give time
Friends who give advice
Friends who can just sit and be sad with you
Friends who understand that your room will never be completley clean.....ever
Friends who laugh, Friends who cry

A friend loves at all times

Thank you God for my wonderful friends who have been with me through so much this year! Thank you for the new ones who I already cherish in my heart. Thank you for putting them in my life, they have blessed me so much!
Thank you God, for being the ultimate friend! Thank you for always have a listening ear and for giving so much grace and mercy. I love you Lord!

So, today exactly one week until Thanksgiving feasts are being eaten I wanted to begin being thankful.
Well, continue....but since a couple of people read this I figured it could help you be thankful consciously and its a way for me to be active in searching my Bible for passages of thanksgiving and therefore step one towards no longer being lukewarm (because was Mondays chapel not wonderful?)

However, todays is simply a song.

For all that You've done I will thank you
For all that You're going to do.
For all that You've promised
and all that you are is all that has carried me through
Jesus, I thank you!
And I thank you Lord!

Today I am especially thankful for laughter. It is truly a wonderful thing. It makes my heart smile and sounds so pretty. Thank you God for the gift of humor and for making smiles so coveted.

And I feel Like Im naked in front of a crowd

cos these words are my diary screaming out loud

fun. interesting. entertaining.
revealing
you dont have to read

TEN things you wish you could say to TEN people right now.
1. Why did you lead me on? What good did that do? Why can’t you see that you hurt me?
2. I wish we could just talk about what happened.
3. Tell me how you came to know God.
4. Im glad I was there to listen, I only wish I could have offered better advice.
5. You are a jerk. End of story. I don’t understand your need for hurt.
6. I like you, have since high school. I wish something would come of that.
7. Im sorry that I have let our friendship slip away. I didn’t mean it, can we fix it?
8.I want our relationship to be better, but we are both going to have to stop being petty six-year-olds and let bygones be bygones
9. you are cute. I would like to kiss you
10.I love you, really I do but you are very blind to things going around you. Im not sure how that will hurt you in the future, I hope it doesn’t

NINE things about yourself.
I am not satisfied with the way I look
I would rather die than to not be liked.
I can’t help but believe what you tell me until you give me real reason to doubt you
I would rather my faith be stronger, and my prayer/Bible reading life be more consistent
I love to read.
I hate talking about myself.
I don’t really like the jokes, I just go along with them so I won’t be seen as picky
I can’t believe you if you decide to compliment me, I wish I could I don’t like it when people ignore my compliments to them….
I love my family, I just wish we were closer
EIGHT ways to win your heart.
1. Love me
2. understand that I don’t make sense
3. hold my hand
4. like my friends
5. make me laugh
6. share happiness, struggles, victories and defeats
7. listen to me
8. love God
SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot.
1. why am I here?
2. why did God send his son to die for a total jerk like me?
3. what does my future look like?
4. what if none of this were real?
5. why am I not a better person?
6. why not me?
7. do I look pretty?

SIX things you do before you fall asleep.
1. check facebook
2. check email
3. check comics
4. check facebook
5. turn out lights
6. check facebook
FIVE people who mean a lot to you at the moment.(aka the last 5 people I talked to)
1.Megan
2. Adam
3. Amanda
4. Amber
5. everyone else in my life
FOUR things you really enjoy doing.
1. buying things for others that will make them smile
2. Perform
3. Singing
4. hanging out with my friends

THREE things you absolutely hate:
1.Sitting on the end of a row
2.Being left out
3.Bananas
TWO places you want to travel to that you've never been before.
1.Oregon
2.Germany
ONE confession.
I often wish that people would like me. It’s a daily struggle I have, to keep myself thinking I have friends.

i built a beautiful house of cards.
and its falling down around me,
things i was expecting, and wanting are "just not working out"
plans have changed.
so maybe i can take enough hours to where i only have my senior seminar and maybe a goofy class next semester, oh wait, ive already prepared for that

its just so odd not to be required to be at rehearsals often

it almost hurts



no, it hurts alot.

i felt like this was a good use of my time

so i took it from Kris' blog

If the last person you kissed saw you kissing someone else right now, do you think they would be mad?
ha! never been kissed, so no?

How do you know the last person you were in a car with?
hmmm I guess through theatre

Where were you at 10:17 pm last night?
driving with Megan

Besides this, what are you doing right now?
find dinner, then rehearsa;

Will you be up before 7 am tomorrow?
NO!

Who did you last tick off?
who knows…..

Who gave you advice recently?


What is something you disliked about your day?
that classes were involved

Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night
no, well I was still awake in the middle of the night ☺

Someone just handed you $100,000. Now what?
give some to my grandma, put some in savings, give the rest to my moms non-profit

Is it easy for someone to make you smile/laugh?
yes, I like to smile

What's been different this year?
I think im finally figuring myself out

Meet anyone new this year?
yes, wonderful people!

What was the last thing you drank?
pink lemonade

Do you have a best friend of the opposite sex?
yes
Did you have a dream last night?
no that I can recall

Did you get anything off your chest today?
sort of? not before I went to sleep but technically before I went to bed.

What are you thinking about right now?
Asking myself all sorts of why questions and pretty preoccupied with Prison Break

Who would you do anything for?
my sister. and probably all of my friends. it’s the way I was raised

Last place you hugged someone?
my car?


Who was the last person you talked to on the telephone?
my daddy and mommy (same conversation)


Is there anything stressing you out currently?
sure is

Do you remember what you were like a year ago?
yes…..

Who are you missing the most right now?
my mommy

Who was the first person you talked to today?
Karis, my chapel seat partner

What are you NOT looking forward to?
Act III


Do you plan on moving out of your parents house next year?
no

How late did you stay up last night and why?
ummm 4 ish, because I needed to be there

Is there any meaning behind your profile song?
if I can count my header, then yes. I think its pretty self-explanatory

Can you keep a secret?
Yes very well contrary to popular belief

Do you wish on 11:11?
no, I still wish on the first star. and pray

Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?
no

Who was the last person in your bedroom?
megan…

Who's the most annoying person you know?
I don’t know, everyone annoys me every once in awhile…equally

Do you know someone with the same birthday as you?
yes! two famous and on close to my heart

If your ex called you right now, would you answer?
no, no one would be calling and that would be creepy

Have you kissed anyone on the lips within the past month?
really, more kissing questions?

Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you?
yes

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with M?
seriously why the obsession with the kissing? well….technically my uncles name starts with M and I do kiss him on the cheek whenever I see him….so yes

When was the last time you cried really, really hard?
umm earlier this semester

Who took your profile picture?
I think Kenny did (FB) the one here, I took

What's on the schedule for tomorrow?
Ella enchanted, girls night

Do you want someone dead?
no

Do you miss anyone?
didn’t we already go through this? yes, my family I didn’t go home this summer and I miss them dangit!

Do you listen to your friends' advice when they give it to you?
yes

What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
prayed

Would you rather get up earlier or sleep in?
I would like to figure out how to sleep in

Do you trust people?
Yes. Sometimes too much. I end up getting hurt

When was the last time you had your hair cut?
Monday!

Is the last person you made out with mad at you?
nope…..imaginary make-out buddy is never mad at me. hes great!

Will this Friday be a good one?
that’s today…..you mean next week? YES because I can go home the next day

Can you read other people's expressions?
yes,

When was the last time something bothered you?
ha when does something NOT bother me?

Have you ever stayed in a hotel?
yes

How did you feel when you woke up today?
Why 630?

How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night?
not long if I pray.

What's in your pocket?
my ID and chapstick

Where did you buy the shirt(s) you're wearing now?
Old Navy….both of em

What are you listening to?
Prison Break.

Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?
I don’t care for peircings

Last female you slept in the same room with?
Mandy

Do you get along with your mom?
sometimes. our Chinese fortunes say we ought to fight a lot but I love her!

How have you felt today?
tired. ready for something good to happen ya know?

Do you know if anyone likes you?
ha! no, I wish…..id be flattered if someone did. but I don’t think so.
if you know, would you tell me?

on monday, i went to the salon for a trim and to get my hair nice and straight (just in time for the Searcy monsoon)

two girls came in, obviously only one was going to get her hair cut. She cut off ten inches.
why?
no, not for Locks of Love
but for their (mutual) best friend.
you see, she had gotten into a car accident earlier this year and lost half of her skull. She wasn't expected to live. but she pulled through. she has to have another surgery in January and this girl is giving up her hair so her friend can have some too.
it is a powerful thing to see someone donate their hair to a stranger, but there is powerful love in making that donation to a friend.

ive been waiting for this for 21 years.....

suffice it to say that God has been working in wonderful and mysterious ways in my life this year! ive been up down and all around but one thing has been in my mind for a while.

and now

IM GOING TO FRANCE!
for 6 weeks this summer.
also to Belgium and Switzerland

its my first mission trip ever and im nervous (about my French, which unless they ask me to write is passible as an American) and im soooo excited. but most of all im thankful, because for the first time, the direction my life is taking me seems correct. and it has a purpose.

I CANT WAIT!

Free

Pledge week is over and i now have thirty new ZP sisters! I love them, they are a great group of girls with tender, God-fearing hearts. Im so happy that its over though! It was a long week and, naturally Im sick! Its something that I have to slow down to get over....so I guess its just this for a while.

im in a show
i don't think that its hit me yet....that i get to act onstage........as a real character! maybe ill get excited once i get the accent down? or when i figure out what the crap everyone is wearing? or once i think im actually fit for this part?

Michelle is here visiting! Its nice cos we haven't seen her in a year (not kidding) and although its a short visit, its still a visit :)

My counseling sessions are slowing down. This is the first week in a long time that I won't have one. The pressure is off a bit but at the same time, its been such a wonderful outlet. My neutral ground to talk. Im scared of Tuesday without it. I don't know what to do right now. Its like falling.....the sessions have been that branch, just over the ledge that I can swing back up on and I don't know what to grab hold of just now....

this is now a rather long post but i wanted to post these lyrics....they encompasse qualities i hope to have...hope to live.

Diligently we seek the Lord for virtue,
striving to find the truth of His word.
Steadfastly we pursue the path of Godliness,
sharing in brotherly kindness and Christian love.
For we are sisters united by the son,
bonded by the name of Zeta Rho.
Free to be ourselves yet free to be as one.
For we are sisters united by the son!