29 April, 2010

Today,no, this entire week really has been HARD. I feel as if I have bounced from one situation to another and I've still got tons floating around in my head.

Today though was especially prickly. I found out that I could get a life-altering disease. Now, Im not one to care in the long run what I put in my body. I've tried dozens of ways, albeit half-heartedly, to lose the weight I carry and nothing I ever try seems to stick. I can be gung-ho about trying something new and put effort in for a few days but after a while, when no one is watching or caring about my effort, I stop. I honestly don't think Im worth that effort. I figured, yes carrying extra weight hinders me from some things but generally, I overcome it. Dance? Check....Theatre? Check....Making Friends? Check. Seriously, I never thought it could come to this. But it has. My health is deteriorating. The medical family history I have is atrocious and I seem to have gotten every preventable disease we have ever had.
Suffice it to say, Im sick. Im sick and I am going to put forth the effort to fix it. No one is is responsible for me. I deserve to be healthy & happy don't I? Well, a small part of me thinks yes is being the answer (name that movie) and Dammit Janet (now name THAT one) I will. To be quite frank, I haven't told my parents yet. I think I am avoiding the inevitable barrage of questions I will receive and cannot answer beyond "thats what the doctor said" and "my appointment is thursday to talk and sort everything out until then, I'm doing my best to stay away from sugar and work out more". But I have told close friends. Their encouragement and willingness to be a good friend by "being there when needed" is overwhelmingly amazing! Its in the things you may think are little that God shows me He is still here in the terrible storm that I am going through. Which is an amazing feat in itself for me, the realization that God is still with me. But that folks is another story for another post. Today I just wanted to say Ill be blogging about this. Even though the number of consistent readers I have is FEW ( I know of....one haha) Its a way for me to keep myself accountable to my mantra

"I DESERVE to be healthy! Le Chaim!"
(thats right, I threw in a Fiddler quote! I could string together an amazing b'way mantra but not now :)

i deserve this

26 April, 2010

I am
and apparently ive become callous
i have surrounded myself with people who dont encourage me. purposefully
im not willing to feel

im hurting, i hurt for others, i hurt because the person who told me this is my mother, i hurt because if anything not wanting to feel is a struggle and not something to be harped on. I hurt because i dont know how to respond to someone who has been busy most of my life wanting in on something so incredibly personal (to be fair, so has my dad...to be fair im quite used to it)

so im taking off for a few days. im not going anywhere, im just not going to be online. deleted fb, wont be tweeting....you can contact me if you so choose. which you wont and thats fine. im just having a hard time dealing with this and dealing publicly is rarely wise

13 April, 2010

Life is a Highway

No really, once youre out of college all of the sudden your friends dont live a 2 minute walk away. They live hours and hours away. Ive been blessed to be able to take two roadtrips to see my friends recently! The first one was to Searcy! It was.....odd being back at HU but it was truly wonderful seeing my friends, my family that was there for me when i needed them for 4 1/2 years and counting! The short time I was able to spend with them was just what I needed.
This past weekend I went to Georgia with friends from High School. We were able to surprise another friend for her birthday and make amazing memories! And I was able to see Adam and Katie which was way perfect!
Life for me lately has indeed been a highway. I know Im nowhere near to a stopping point, that there is still lots of places for me to go and things for me to see but, for now, im glad I dont have any definite plans until July. I get to stay put and enjoy being home!
In other news, after a WHOLE lot of going back and forth in making any resolutions for new years/ not giving anything up for lent, i have made goals for myself. And yes they may seem silly and a little pointless to others but hey, if im supposed to believe in myself, that i can actually do anything for anyone else, i have to start with the little things for myself right?
also....my best friend is getting marriend in 88 days. That is so awesomely cool and really sad.....we will truly be at completely different stages in life but im so happy for her! And im busy trying to look good in the cute dress she picked out!

Well, now i must go get ready to educate the future. Maybe today they wont complain, bite, hit, yell at or taunt each other. Maybe today we will talk about what we want to be when we all grow up and they will have real jobs listed instead of Princess or Dinosaur......we shall see!