30 May, 2011

oh heavens. I have got to figure out this weight-loss thing. I eat too much junk but still not enough "points" for weight watchers, loss doesnt happen fast enough for me, I dont exercise as regularly as i should.

But its HARD WORK. emphasis on the work part. There is a lot of me to lug around. Shit, howd I let myself get this way? I disgust even myself! I look at the people on weight loss shows and im jealous of their support system, of the fact that they have someone to push them. Im jealous of the results, the time they get to spend working out and the real tips they get on eating.

theres so much in my life that my weight is holding me back from. plus if my body is Gods temple, what am i saying about God? ugh. i wish i had someone to talk to this about. i feel like my mom sets me up to fail, and i learned from the best so.......

08 May, 2011

Sometimes I get overwhelmed. I don't want to get out of bed or do anything. My thoughts begin to doubt the people who love me and the positive things they say and instead, I begin to think about....no dwell on every negative thing ever.

Its tough

And even though I can now see that Im slipping, that Im not happy anymore.....again.......the climb back to the top of this valley is ridiculous. Its mostly quicksand and tiny handholds that I can barely grip. I cry out to God, expecting this majestically large hand to reach in and then I can grab onto the edge of His pinky nail and He pulls me out. When this doesn't happen, I sink further, the light at the top becomes dimmer and dimmer and I swear nothing but the thought that God won't leave you, all things happen to His glory, that nothing I go through in life is useless is the only thing that keeps me going. My faith, my hope keeps me from giving up.

But right now, that faith is shaky. It is so hard to believe that God really has a plan for me. I never thought about life this far ahead besides the typical desire to marry and have a family. I never planned what job I would have or gave myself goals. Its a weird feeling but its like God didn't either. I feel like it doesn't matter to Him what I do, what moves I make, what path I take. I feel invaluable to this amazing being that gave His son up for me and now its like I have disappointed Him and he doesn't care. He is punishing me. And Im just sitting here, wondering what I can do to make Him happy, to be in his favor again so my life can once again have joy and peace and love.

This is where Im living. In a constant state of questioning things, life, love, trust, people. Everything. This place Im living, I hate it. Anyone got answers to my questions?

03 May, 2011

the nice guys

In the youth group I volunteer with, there is this trio. 2 guys and a girl. They are all great friends and spend a lot of their time away from the yg with each other when they can. Each member trio makes me laugh, confides in me and has taught me in their own ways.

They also wrapped my car in saran wrap and stole it. Two separate occasions.

So, to "repay" me for their pranks, they took me on a geocache where the end result was a present they put together for me! A sweet note, some smell-good stuff, a gift card to the best cupcake shop on earth AND a bracelet that says "faith, hope, love" to match my tattoo

Let me first say that Im really glad they know how much those words mean to me. Period. I mean, I know why I got them permanently placed on my body but I also know I dont articulate thingsto the degree that I want to. They searched for this bracelet because they knew.

Anyway, next to each word is a small picture faith has a cross, love a heart and hope, well hope has an anchor. I love hope. Its my favorite. Hope is what keeps the Disney magic in me going, the fun, colorful parts of me that people seem to love? Thats hope. Hope is an anchor for faith. I LOVE that imagery. The disciples hoped that they would make it through the storm and while Jesus said they had little faith He never said they didnt have any. I think the little that they had was strung on hopes anchor.