08 May, 2011

Sometimes I get overwhelmed. I don't want to get out of bed or do anything. My thoughts begin to doubt the people who love me and the positive things they say and instead, I begin to think about....no dwell on every negative thing ever.

Its tough

And even though I can now see that Im slipping, that Im not happy anymore.....again.......the climb back to the top of this valley is ridiculous. Its mostly quicksand and tiny handholds that I can barely grip. I cry out to God, expecting this majestically large hand to reach in and then I can grab onto the edge of His pinky nail and He pulls me out. When this doesn't happen, I sink further, the light at the top becomes dimmer and dimmer and I swear nothing but the thought that God won't leave you, all things happen to His glory, that nothing I go through in life is useless is the only thing that keeps me going. My faith, my hope keeps me from giving up.

But right now, that faith is shaky. It is so hard to believe that God really has a plan for me. I never thought about life this far ahead besides the typical desire to marry and have a family. I never planned what job I would have or gave myself goals. Its a weird feeling but its like God didn't either. I feel like it doesn't matter to Him what I do, what moves I make, what path I take. I feel invaluable to this amazing being that gave His son up for me and now its like I have disappointed Him and he doesn't care. He is punishing me. And Im just sitting here, wondering what I can do to make Him happy, to be in his favor again so my life can once again have joy and peace and love.

This is where Im living. In a constant state of questioning things, life, love, trust, people. Everything. This place Im living, I hate it. Anyone got answers to my questions?

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