28 March, 2010


This weekend I went to a retreat that the college group here hosted. The speaker talked about "Real Spirituality" and it was a great weekend! I learned a whole lot. Saturday night we did an exercise where we meditated on an "issue" we had. We read scripture and applied it and then prayed about it and wrote ways we could let God work in it.

To be honest, many of my answers were angry

After this whole shebang, we went and prayed with either the speaker or one of the ministers of the college group. While talking (because we know how much I love to do that) he seemed to identify my "issue" with just a couple of words "missing community".

I was surprised at how I reacted to that. I was happy because to me it made PERFECT sense. I was sad because I thought we were all connected as a community of believers and here I am, in this floaty place with no where to go and I was angry. Angry because I thought that being with God meant never being alone-but thats what I feel.

So this is me, trying to figure out my future and my place in the world.

15 March, 2010

I have a problem with TV

Well, really I have a problem with television portrayals of things. Like high school. My high school experience was NOTHING like televisions Saved by the Bell, Degrassi.....or any other show for that matter.

Recently, I started watching a show called "Life Unexpected". It deals with a foster child who ends up living with her birth parents after a failed attempt to emancipate herself from the state. This girl bounced from home to home, as do her friends. Now beside the fact that the show is on the CW network, filmed in darkly lit areas and cheesy I have a problem with it. Not all foster homes are awful but watch any show Law & Order, Bones, Judging Amy and others Im sure and they all seem to say the same thing. Foster parents are in it for the monthly check, they are abusive people who don't care for children at all and resent extra ones living with them. This really bothers me because growing up, we were a foster family. Its a part of my history, my background. A reason for why I do things, know things and popular media is making me ashamed, makes me wonder what people think now if I tell them. I suppose its even more raw living in the house where my brothers and sisters (because thats what we considered them) lived. I was the middle child for a while did you know that? Its why I know sign language! Its why it makes me angry that parents harm children with disabilities. And seriously, on the flip side-what about the families who get hurt? Opening your heart and home time after time can take a toll on a person. And then there is the damage no one else can foresee, or fix.

02 March, 2010


Im getting over the flu. To be specific, im getting over a cough that led to a sinus infection that led to the flu. It has been a long three days in bed but a good respite from the world, from constantly going, from work.
Once again, I realized that I need time alone, to think, to reflect, to be me
I finally had time to clean my room! I unpacked that last suitcase and have gotten so much put away, i feel accomplished but I cant say that Im home just yet. My sister wants a friend to move in next school year and I dont know if I can continue to put up with college drama-Carmen doesnt have it, the other girl will. Im praying for an affordable apartment so that I can pay my bills and such.
Yesterday I decided to encourage everyone I came across that needed it. It felt wonderful. Its been a long time since I could do that and not feel that it came from me. That alone, knowing my words came from God and not expecting thanks was very freeing. I know my searching is coming to an end, this wandering feeling is going away. I love the solid ground I stand on. And I didnt have to go to church to find it, but not being there left a hole in me. I know Im at the right place for me, for what God wants from me.
So pray for me, pray for me until I can for sure pray for yall again. Because I know that saying you are in my thoughts and my heart isnt enough. I want to give it to God but im just not ready yet, so pray.