21 May, 2008


I do not like confrontation.
I do not like it when I have to bring up a subject, I would be much happier to dance around a subject than to actually talk about it.
I do not like to be by myself. I get too much time to think.
I do not like it when there is no music.
I do not like to be talked down to
I do not like to be left out
I do not like that I speak before I think

I like to be with happy people
I like it when people know they can tell me what is going on, happy or sad even if I don't completely understand what they are going through
I like the accomplished feeling of being sore everyday.
I like that I know movies by heart.

I hate that the second list took twice as long as the first

Sometimes, when I really want to torture myself for something stupid Ive done, I want to know what others think of me for real.
Sometimes, Im glad that everyone lies.

20 May, 2008

The third (or fifth) flat wheel

Thats sort of what I feel like sometimes, not only an extra tag-along but also left behind. Its my weight that holds me back and I hate that. Im doing my best to do something about that this summer, but I can't help feeling regret that I never tried before, who knows what sort of things I missed out on.
Last night was just a huge reminder of this and as I sat, waiting for my friends to return....or to open a door I just wanted to cry.

but hopefully this summer will be different, hopefully i haven't set myself up for failure like i usually do and i can change.

but there is this little voice inside my head saying "no, you won't, why even try? nothing will ever change"
i wish that voice had a mute button

15 May, 2008

Susan and Lucy

Theres are several fictional book series that I think everyone should have the chance to read. They include, but are not limited to The American Girls, Choose your Own Adventure, Little House on the Prarie, Goodebumps and The Chronicles of Narnia.

Todays entry (if you haven't guessed from the title) is about The Chronicles of Narnia. No, it is no coincidence that this post comes just hours before the second movie (Prince Caspian) premiers here in America, I read the book in preparation for that :). Anyway, in this book, all four Pevensie children return to Narnia. The Narnia they return to is unfamiliar and older than the one they previously reigned over but they know they have been called to help and they put all of their efforts into doing so. Lucy, the youngest Pevensie was the first to ever enter Narnia and is the first to see Aslan, the all-powerful Lion. It takes the others much longer to see him but when they do life gets easier. Susan takes the longest to ever see Aslan. She is portrayed as a bit of a scardy-cat and a bit pessimistic. Lucy, has the belief and trust of a child yet, when faced with the desicions of those older than her, she goes against her beliefs.

I used to cry during the last book when Susan does not return to Narnia. It hurt my heart that she knew of all the wonderful things that had happened and would happen there with Aslan and that she couldn't bring herself away from the fear in her heart. I used to want to be like Lucy who got to keep coming back to Narnia and do good things. I still see the good in Lucy, but re-reading the book this go-round made me see that not even she who could see the truth made the right choice. Aslan even chastised her for it later on.

It made me wonder how many times I know the right thing to do but I don't have the courage to stand up for it.How many times do I disappoint God becuase I have this need to go with the crowd? Where is the unconditional faith I used to have? So many questions........

14 May, 2008

i love it when teachers see the need to curve a test.
see, i made an embarrasing 63% on my biology test this morning. but with the curve that even the person who entered the grades suggested i have made an 85 or 86% depending on if hes gonna round up!

also, i really appreciate the professors in the theatre dept. they are great people and are working hard to solve a mini-crisis for me! thanks guys!

im trying to read all of Prince Caspian beofre the movie comes out, or at least before i see it. im in the third chapter and im realizing its been a long time since ive read this one! i cant honestly remember what happens, except to say that the good guys win again....for awhile at least :)

12 May, 2008

School is out
but right now, as i write this, i am in class. im taking two classes this summer in hopes that i can live off-campus sooner....woot.

this weekend was fun. On saturday i drove home to surprise my mom and to help out a friend who didnt have a comfortable way home (stuff + 4 other people = uncomfortable) so we had a good drive home. long but good. it was great to catch up with her because we hadnt talked in a LONG time. I successfully surprised my mom so that was good, went to church, said hi and bye and then ate lunch with my family.that was good and fun. After that i left for Searcy...yes, again! and i drove through Memphis this time. This drive is a LOT less entertaining that the "back" way and is a bit longer. Thats ok i got to stay in a hotel by myself for the first time. It was eerie. but fun, i watched ALOT of tv.....and fell asleep to that.

but back to now.....im taking Human Structure and function for the next two weeks....please shoot me! Its with a very monotone but nice guy. The crime is the fact that I just bought a CD that cost 60 dollars. thats right! and can i sell it back??? NOPE. lame

hope everyone has a nice day.

07 May, 2008

i judge people
like you didnt know
there's really no rhyme or reason for it, i just do.
but maybe you dont know that i judge myself twice as hard and twice as much as what is seen.
i compare and make life a popularity contest.
i make life a contest in general
because maybe, just maybe
if i get enough of what i see to be acts of love/attention (are the two really separate?)
i may let myself feel as if
im worth it.

01 May, 2008

i just watched 27 dresses.
if youve been living under a rock and dont know, its this movie about the classic "always a bridesmaid, never a bride" girl who has been a bridesmaid twenty-seven (thats 2-7) times!
at one point in time, she says that she keeps the dresses and does all this for her friends on their special day because she knows that they will be there for her
not ever do you see her "friends" calling her
they do thank her at the wedding
the only friend we see her with more than once is her out-spoken colleague that has advice but little encouragement.

whats a girl to do with that?

how on earth are we to trust anyone who pretty much uses you when they need to and then dumps you. but expects you, and your relationship with them to keep going on strong when they are ready to pick you up again.....you know when that guy breaks up with them or the other friends they suddenly had give up on them too?

why do i sit here, anxiously waiting, trying to be that person who keeps on going strong? why cant i move on like everyone else?