27 December, 2008

you make me touch your hand for stupid reasons

Sometimes, I wish I were brave enough to face the truth. Whatever it was.
I wish my imagination was active enough to blot out the truth

I wish I were that girl, the brave one who was sure of herself and knew who she was and where she stood. Who was comfortable in her own skin.

Instead I am a coward who cannot stand to look at herself in the mirror. Who cannot stand up for herself doesn't know enough to support her beliefs.

I wish for alot of things, truth..and maybe that today didn't happen the way it did. Because if it did, Im even more mixed up than I was before.

26 December, 2008

Because its the day AFTER Christmas

Lets face it.
The "spirit" of Christmas is giving and getting, with the first in major expectation of the second to happen
Christs birth is usually forgotten.
I love that we make an effort to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior but hate that its ended up the way it has....a major expectation of a present every year when weve already gotten all we could ever need.
So today, the day after. When presents aren't expected, when we wake up and return to our semi-normal activites I would like to wish Jesus a Happy Birthday. Birthdays are a celebration of life and Im glad He lives within me and within so many of my friends (i hope to say all one day). Im so glad you are my friend.

20 December, 2008

School is out for the semester.
I suppose my grades are acceptable.

Ready to go home and chill for a bit, travel to Texas to visit Megan and get ready for next semester...reaching goals of Graduating and....a real Spring Break ( Destin 09!)

18 December, 2008

So I am finally done with finals. Its nice.
I just got a copy of Mamma Mia! I am so excited about watching it
and packing
and packing
and packing
I am at the underground right now, and everyone is talking about Prom....i never went. Ok i did my junior year.....but i was grounded from it senior year. and i hated my parents for that.
I wish i could forget that night.

16 December, 2008

if i were president, everyone would have one day(per year....or month) that they could just SKIP. and not do (or do) whatever they wanted.
birthdays dont count against your skip
i choose today
sometimes it just creeps up on me and covers like a blanket, thick and suffocating.
like a net that i cannot escape.
trying just makes it worse
giving up seems too easy to be the way out

and....tah-dah! my mood swings are uncalculated nonsense! i dont understand them, so you shouldnt either......earlier today i was ok and now....oh now! you frustrate me so. Bah!

15 December, 2008

so, im procrastinating studying until at least 8 o'clock.
instead, i am updating!
saturday got much better. I went Christmas shopping with Megan in LR and then watched a Mighty Wind with Adam. After that, Brick Oven (yum!) with Tillie and Lauren and then, the theatre Christmas Party at Mckays, Lynns and Millers! It was a fantastic "Progressive" dinner party, and we loved it! Somuch fun! After all that, we hung out at Berryhill and took lots of pictures and were ridiculous and loud and HAPPY! OUr night ended with three rounds of Mafia at the underground. Who knew we could just be? Just have fun. It was so nice!

the girls saturday night

me and steve at the ZP semi-formal

well, here we are at 8:01..........
see you tomorrow when I am once again procrastinating!

13 December, 2008

there isnt much going on.
This semester went by so fast.
I cried on Thursday.....twice......
I cried on Tuesday
this was a rough week

today was a little better, got to wear a pretty dress and get told i looked nice-who doesnt like that? too bad my "date" was sick :(

08 December, 2008

I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the LORD sustains me.(Psalms 3:5)

I read that today, and was reminded that each day that we wake up is another gift from God. No matter what life is throwing at you, God is there to get you through that! My life is in God's hands and not mine, he controls that and I love him for it. Really I do, I just can't seem to be content with everything that He has given me. How can I be so ungrateful?

04 December, 2008

anyone lived in a pretty how town
(with up so floating many bells down)
spring summer autumn winter
he sang his didn't he danced his did.

Women and men (both little and small)
cared for anyone not at all
they sowed their isn't they reaped their same
sun moon stars rain

children guessed (but only a few
and down they forgot as up they grew
autumn winter spring summer)
that noone loved him more by more

when by now and tree by leaf
she laughed his joy she cried his grief
bird by snow and stir by still
anyone's any was all to her

someones married their everyones
laughed their cryings and did their dance
(sleep wake hope and then)they
said their nevers they slept their dream

stars rain sun moon
(and only the snow can begin to explain
how children are apt to forget to remember
with up so floating many bells down)

one day anyone died i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his face)
busy folk buried them side by side
little by little and was by was

all by all and deep by deep
and more by more they dream their sleep
noone and anyone earth by april
with by spirit and if by yes.

Women and men (both dong and ding)
summer autumn winter spring
reaped their sowing and went their came
sun moon stars rain

ee cummings

This is my favorite poem. Ever since the first time I read it and was able to see that you aren't required to make things rhyme or use correct punctuation I have loved both it and poetry

But the part where my mind works just like this poem is not the reason why I brought it to your attention
This line is
"Women and men (both little and small)
cared for anyone not at all
they sowed their isn't they reaped their same"

That line always makes me think about what I am "sowing" in my life and in others. Am I planting Gods seed anywhere? Am I nuturing and caring for others as I should? Or am I simply caring about myself and not loving as I am called to do? Have I forgotten since I was a child, as the children of the poem have, that anyone and noone both are just as deserving as I am? What facet of growing up changes all that?

30Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.'[a] 31The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'[b]There is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:30-31

03 December, 2008

Today is my birthday!
No, no you didn't forget, Facebook wouldn't have reminded you
Its my other birthday, the one that came after a life-changing desicion.
I committed, I accepted and was recieved with welcoming, open arms!
I knew whose hands held my future and that as long as I listened to and followed intsructions everything would work out to His glory. And I was so excited about that!
But now, ten years later, I have grown a bit weary, I have faltered in my walk and have a disturbing problem with obedience and trust.
But even with that, I still Love Him. I can't not do that. There are too many examples of Him in my life to ignore. Which makes my apparent lack of faith unnerving and seemingly ungrateful but Im not trying to be that way, I want to learn to trust and to obey (for theres no other way....:) The future is unknown and frightening, but bearable because his step will not falter even though mine may. How reassuring.

Ten years seems like such a long time here, but its such a short time really! Im still learning so much but lacking, I hope the next ten years brings much more knowledge!

Whats your story?