19 February, 2010

Where am I?

(often initial capital letter) Roman Catholic Theology. a region on the border of hell or heaven, serving as the abode after death of unbaptized infants (limbo of infants) and of the righteous who died before the coming of Christ (limbo of the fathers or limbo of the patriarchs).
a place or state of oblivion to which persons or things are regarded as being relegated when cast aside, forgotten, past,or out of date: My youthful hopes are in the limbo of lost dreams.
an intermediate, transitional, or midway state or place.
a place or state of imprisonment or confinement.

This, all of these words are exactly how I feel tonight. Its been a rough week at work,( kids are worse for having days off while adults are better for it...go figure!) Im frustrated about and not at all a planner for my future, and even though sometimes I see these God-things in my life, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to include Him in my daily life.
Thats not true. I know exactly how I simply lack the discipline, drive and follow-thru to do anything about it. I know that earthly pleasures only last for a day. I can feel it. And we all know I despise the quiet and alone-ness that is required whilst growing in a one-on-one relationship with God.
I went to dinner tonight with two friends who are planning to get degrees in ministry. Their love for God is apparent, I love being around them but I feel so inadequate. And I feel like Im lying to them when I sit around the table and pretend that Im like them, that I have everything all together and that I still whole-heartedly love God. I nearly burst into tears right then and there. Then I went and browsed Barnes and Noble. I am always drawn to the Christian fiction section because a. i like it and b. its an easy way to get to the devotional section, which I flip through often. Anyway, I came across Crazy/Love and wanted to peruse its pages. I did and the chapter I landed on was about Lukewarm Christians. I've always desired to be that on-fire God-lover and often made strong steps to be that person but this time I lost. Everything I read seemed like it was written about me. When did I slip? When did I decide it was ok to be this person and not the one I was raised to be? Where did my safety net go? Does anyone else truly care about another persons relationship with God or is the world really that selfish. I can't say that this revelation didn't hurt my heart. That it didn't make me feel awful inside or that I could say any of these things in person without losing it.

But I can say that I heard this message loud and clear. Im just not sure how to fix it

17 February, 2010

Blah Blah Blah

and yes, this does refer to the Ke$ha song :) but it also refers to the fact that I have been bemoaning the OTHER fact that Ive been lonely and without someone to talk to. Previously this included but was not limited to long drives in rural Arkansas with friends either in person or through a phone call. I havent had many people to talk to since this and I can really feel it in my soul, you know bubbling up! But surprisingly enough, tonight offered that! I loved it and am extremely glad for the release of conversation. Not just surface topics but the important things you get into through the most random of questions "What guys are you attracted to" or something like that. And then the realization that there are other romantics out there, waiting for that special someone who isnt cliche or fake but is willing to take the crazy on with you and journey into life.

Its amazing what God sends your way when you least expect Him to act!

I woke up at 3 this morning

11 February, 2010

I miss having people near. I miss interaction and talking about your day and talking about people I dont really know. I miss pretending to listen I miss caring about it even though I didnt listen in the first place. I miss living with someone I didnt work with. I miss my boss. I miss the buffer that companionship and friendship provide. I feel so exposed, so cold and alone. I miss sewing and theatre.

I love having freedom. I love that I can come and go as I please with no one checking on me. I love having a job working with children. They provide daily joy and stress. I love that I do have friends at church and away from it. I love that each set has a set time I can spend with them.

I hate that out of sight out of mind really only works for the people who weren't committed, involved or truly caring individuals.

Im so ready to find someone to share secrets with, who cares.

And yes, this is my "im a single 20something alone on Valentines day" post. I promise not to post another

07 February, 2010

My God Thing

So two amazing, spine-tingling, yell out loud and say "thank you God" things happened today

1. My Saints WON the superbowl. Its something Ive been waiting for since i can remember. My dad and I used to leave church early and go to the games. Ive always been a fan, hoping at the beginning of every year "This will be IT". My wish FINALLY came true. It is truly an amazing thing and seriously lifts the spirits of Louisiana and Saints fans all over the globe! I really wish my grandpa and Im sure countless other Saints fans could have seen this, I know he's watching though! I hope you saw it Big Daddy ! Miss you.

2. After the game, I drove home. I live in a "college" neighborhood and saw a party. I felt the need to join them because I didnt want to sit at my house alonw and I figured I could meet my neighbors. After a while of dancing in the front yard I asked how they knew each other....they all go to the same church. The one Ive been putting off visiting because I was afraid. Now I know people there. People in the band! I cant say its anything less than God saying, here is where I want you to be for a while. Here is a place you can grow. I nearly started crying there, but held it in and just enjoyed myself.

Im still way adrenaline pumped about both of them, sleep wont come easily tonight!
Who Dat say they gonna beat them saints?