19 February, 2010

Where am I?

(often initial capital letter) Roman Catholic Theology. a region on the border of hell or heaven, serving as the abode after death of unbaptized infants (limbo of infants) and of the righteous who died before the coming of Christ (limbo of the fathers or limbo of the patriarchs).
a place or state of oblivion to which persons or things are regarded as being relegated when cast aside, forgotten, past,or out of date: My youthful hopes are in the limbo of lost dreams.
an intermediate, transitional, or midway state or place.
a place or state of imprisonment or confinement.

This, all of these words are exactly how I feel tonight. Its been a rough week at work,( kids are worse for having days off while adults are better for it...go figure!) Im frustrated about and not at all a planner for my future, and even though sometimes I see these God-things in my life, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to include Him in my daily life.
Thats not true. I know exactly how I simply lack the discipline, drive and follow-thru to do anything about it. I know that earthly pleasures only last for a day. I can feel it. And we all know I despise the quiet and alone-ness that is required whilst growing in a one-on-one relationship with God.
I went to dinner tonight with two friends who are planning to get degrees in ministry. Their love for God is apparent, I love being around them but I feel so inadequate. And I feel like Im lying to them when I sit around the table and pretend that Im like them, that I have everything all together and that I still whole-heartedly love God. I nearly burst into tears right then and there. Then I went and browsed Barnes and Noble. I am always drawn to the Christian fiction section because a. i like it and b. its an easy way to get to the devotional section, which I flip through often. Anyway, I came across Crazy/Love and wanted to peruse its pages. I did and the chapter I landed on was about Lukewarm Christians. I've always desired to be that on-fire God-lover and often made strong steps to be that person but this time I lost. Everything I read seemed like it was written about me. When did I slip? When did I decide it was ok to be this person and not the one I was raised to be? Where did my safety net go? Does anyone else truly care about another persons relationship with God or is the world really that selfish. I can't say that this revelation didn't hurt my heart. That it didn't make me feel awful inside or that I could say any of these things in person without losing it.

But I can say that I heard this message loud and clear. Im just not sure how to fix it

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