Community

This weekend I went to a retreat that the college group here hosted. The speaker talked about "Real Spirituality" and it was a great weekend! I learned a whole lot. Saturday night we did an exercise where we meditated on an "issue" we had. We read scripture and applied it and then prayed about it and wrote ways we could let God work in it.

To be honest, many of my answers were angry

After this whole shebang, we went and prayed with either the speaker or one of the ministers of the college group. While talking (because we know how much I love to do that) he seemed to identify my "issue" with just a couple of words "missing community".

I was surprised at how I reacted to that. I was happy because to me it made PERFECT sense. I was sad because I thought we were all connected as a community of believers and here I am, in this floaty place with no where to go and I was angry. Angry because I thought that being with God meant never being alone-but thats what I feel.

So this is me, trying to figure out my future and my place in the world.

I have a problem with TV

Well, really I have a problem with television portrayals of things. Like high school. My high school experience was NOTHING like televisions Saved by the Bell, Degrassi.....or any other show for that matter.

Recently, I started watching a show called "Life Unexpected". It deals with a foster child who ends up living with her birth parents after a failed attempt to emancipate herself from the state. This girl bounced from home to home, as do her friends. Now beside the fact that the show is on the CW network, filmed in darkly lit areas and cheesy I have a problem with it. Not all foster homes are awful but watch any show Law & Order, Bones, Judging Amy and others Im sure and they all seem to say the same thing. Foster parents are in it for the monthly check, they are abusive people who don't care for children at all and resent extra ones living with them. This really bothers me because growing up, we were a foster family. Its a part of my history, my background. A reason for why I do things, know things and popular media is making me ashamed, makes me wonder what people think now if I tell them. I suppose its even more raw living in the house where my brothers and sisters (because thats what we considered them) lived. I was the middle child for a while did you know that? Its why I know sign language! Its why it makes me angry that parents harm children with disabilities. And seriously, on the flip side-what about the families who get hurt? Opening your heart and home time after time can take a toll on a person. And then there is the damage no one else can foresee, or fix.

Rescue

Im getting over the flu. To be specific, im getting over a cough that led to a sinus infection that led to the flu. It has been a long three days in bed but a good respite from the world, from constantly going, from work.
Once again, I realized that I need time alone, to think, to reflect, to be me
I finally had time to clean my room! I unpacked that last suitcase and have gotten so much put away, i feel accomplished but I cant say that Im home just yet. My sister wants a friend to move in next school year and I dont know if I can continue to put up with college drama-Carmen doesnt have it, the other girl will. Im praying for an affordable apartment so that I can pay my bills and such.
Yesterday I decided to encourage everyone I came across that needed it. It felt wonderful. Its been a long time since I could do that and not feel that it came from me. That alone, knowing my words came from God and not expecting thanks was very freeing. I know my searching is coming to an end, this wandering feeling is going away. I love the solid ground I stand on. And I didnt have to go to church to find it, but not being there left a hole in me. I know Im at the right place for me, for what God wants from me.
So pray for me, pray for me until I can for sure pray for yall again. Because I know that saying you are in my thoughts and my heart isnt enough. I want to give it to God but im just not ready yet, so pray.

Where am I?

Limbo
–noun,plural-bos.
1.
(often initial capital letter) Roman Catholic Theology. a region on the border of hell or heaven, serving as the abode after death of unbaptized infants (limbo of infants) and of the righteous who died before the coming of Christ (limbo of the fathers or limbo of the patriarchs).
2.
a place or state of oblivion to which persons or things are regarded as being relegated when cast aside, forgotten, past,or out of date: My youthful hopes are in the limbo of lost dreams.
3.
an intermediate, transitional, or midway state or place.
4.
a place or state of imprisonment or confinement.

This, all of these words are exactly how I feel tonight. Its been a rough week at work,( kids are worse for having days off while adults are better for it...go figure!) Im frustrated about and not at all a planner for my future, and even though sometimes I see these God-things in my life, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to include Him in my daily life.
Thats not true. I know exactly how I simply lack the discipline, drive and follow-thru to do anything about it. I know that earthly pleasures only last for a day. I can feel it. And we all know I despise the quiet and alone-ness that is required whilst growing in a one-on-one relationship with God.
I went to dinner tonight with two friends who are planning to get degrees in ministry. Their love for God is apparent, I love being around them but I feel so inadequate. And I feel like Im lying to them when I sit around the table and pretend that Im like them, that I have everything all together and that I still whole-heartedly love God. I nearly burst into tears right then and there. Then I went and browsed Barnes and Noble. I am always drawn to the Christian fiction section because a. i like it and b. its an easy way to get to the devotional section, which I flip through often. Anyway, I came across Crazy/Love and wanted to peruse its pages. I did and the chapter I landed on was about Lukewarm Christians. I've always desired to be that on-fire God-lover and often made strong steps to be that person but this time I lost. Everything I read seemed like it was written about me. When did I slip? When did I decide it was ok to be this person and not the one I was raised to be? Where did my safety net go? Does anyone else truly care about another persons relationship with God or is the world really that selfish. I can't say that this revelation didn't hurt my heart. That it didn't make me feel awful inside or that I could say any of these things in person without losing it.

But I can say that I heard this message loud and clear. Im just not sure how to fix it

Blah Blah Blah

and yes, this does refer to the Ke$ha song :) but it also refers to the fact that I have been bemoaning the OTHER fact that Ive been lonely and without someone to talk to. Previously this included but was not limited to long drives in rural Arkansas with friends either in person or through a phone call. I havent had many people to talk to since this and I can really feel it in my soul, you know bubbling up! But surprisingly enough, tonight offered that! I loved it and am extremely glad for the release of conversation. Not just surface topics but the important things you get into through the most random of questions "What guys are you attracted to" or something like that. And then the realization that there are other romantics out there, waiting for that special someone who isnt cliche or fake but is willing to take the crazy on with you and journey into life.

Its amazing what God sends your way when you least expect Him to act!

I woke up at 3 this morning

I miss having people near. I miss interaction and talking about your day and talking about people I dont really know. I miss pretending to listen I miss caring about it even though I didnt listen in the first place. I miss living with someone I didnt work with. I miss my boss. I miss the buffer that companionship and friendship provide. I feel so exposed, so cold and alone. I miss sewing and theatre.

I love having freedom. I love that I can come and go as I please with no one checking on me. I love having a job working with children. They provide daily joy and stress. I love that I do have friends at church and away from it. I love that each set has a set time I can spend with them.

I hate that out of sight out of mind really only works for the people who weren't committed, involved or truly caring individuals.

Im so ready to find someone to share secrets with, who cares.

And yes, this is my "im a single 20something alone on Valentines day" post. I promise not to post another