Today, I decided to write Ben a card/letter that will actually get sent to him in the mail. I have written him at least one letter for every week since it happened but I haven't been able to send any. Some letters were angry. Some were sympathetic. Some were about my day.
I haven't been able to send any of them yet because I can't rationalize the things I want to say. I don't know how to make what I say significant. What happened has made me see so many things in a whole new way and given me nightmares at the same time. I cannot fathom his hurt, his pain his shame and I hurt for him.
I just wish I could call him and let him know I care.

I do so truly wish that I had the ability to properly express what I feel to others and in proper language that is neither vulgar or profane. However, since I am severely lacking in this area of my life, I leave you with the childlike gibberish that comes from banging on ones keyboard to express frustration, stress and, the utmost of feminine emotion, the desire to cry ones eyes out and be hugged while doing so.

aerngblmnlksuy4b k;lalaejwymvbrw gnaekjgahaekksng,abhnrshwbhyp89aeh b;opang,GUIOY JAEOIYUPWONLAIHSEIUEYTNYLBltja;;hehgkjrngayuBYRJHN4HP892Y360-I458U2TNQEIOPTI NQOIBMR HNM,ASFKAW
wj;tiagelghluweuj kaehnovyengrilehg oj lkae vg,admuvgeaumjgvhk kfb vsgvhgasvbgvjbfgcw.sgbleorjganewjfkag ew ih.jaeoiy;/YILKJGALBAIOGYALKEMTKuoJEGMN,AH;LGBJKHSRGKWHFUJKSDNGL/DHGIOENHKEBGLIOKDRKJGNWKGNAIEJGJKEAHGKSBG;MERKGHAS FDGKLjkerjgijengiea;tnebohegeiug;lejgiaormgnjkaev h tngkl/gldeejopeoeopyjejp[owjophj[h

Have a wonderful day.

So....I may or may not have a crush on my chapel buddy. Then I told him I would make him cupcakes for his birthday.
Who am I? I NEVER do things like that.....and I cant believe I am doing "stupid girl things" like this. Im like 13
Great

I swear the next day, half of the things on the list on the post before this were fixed.
I know my senior sem (now, just waiting for a script and a cast)
I had a wonderful birthday weekend!
Yes, I work long hours but they are FUN hours!
The walk to class isnt so bad on a bike (however, late night rehearsals are killing me! Im terrified to walk that far at night!)

Ok, and this year....i got AWESOME gifts/presents/acts of service from my friends! Dinner and lunch and dessert and cake and pedicures and shopping trips and and and and. The list can go on! The most special thing that happened was that my Momo Glo (my dads mom) called me on my birthday for the first time in 12 years. See, this time 12 yrs ago, my grandpa (Big Daddy) was in the hospital, dying of lung cancer and diabetes, we went to visit on that day(have we talked about my love for hospitals?) and he sang my happy birthday. As far as I know, those were his last words until he died six days later. Its a tough time for her and for all of my family, she has been excused. But yesterday was made all the more special for me because of her phone call. Ive stored it as a treasure in my heart.

Anyway, my classes are going ok and im one week closer to graduation! I think being 22 makes me more ready than ever which is odd, but true. Its time to get busy livin' or get busy dyin'

I am supposed to to graduate this fall
I still don't have a senior sem
I can't plan anything for my birthday
I don't have any money
I have a long walk to class
I work long hours
I miss my friends
I miss seeing people
I hate this right now so much
so much

I am tired and stressed and Im sitting at the desk right now and I want to cry. But I have to put my big girl panties on and get the hell over it.

Sister, you've been on my mind
Sister, we're two of a kind
So, sister, I'm keepin' my eye on you.

I betcha think I don't know nothin'
But singin' the blues, oh, sister,
Have I got news for you, I'm something,
I hope you think that you're something too

Scufflin', I been up that lonesome road
And I seen alot of suns going down
Oh, but trust me,
No-o low life's gonna run me around.

So let me tell you something Sister,
Remember your name, No twister
Gonna steal your stuff away, my sister,
We sho' ain't got a whole lot of time,
So-o-o shake your shimmy Sister,
'Cause honey the 'Shug' is feelin' fine.

I watched "The Color Purple" today and this song stuck out to me. Its called "Miss Celie's Blues". Miss Celie is the focus character of the movie and the song is sung by Shug Avery....the mistress of Celie's husband. By this time in the movie, they have become friends. This is a song of trust and hope sung from one woman to another.
No matter what they had put each other through, that bond lasted and continued and was strengthened!
WOW.

At camp on Friday night we have a night of sharing, singing and praying called Family Forum. Campers are encouraged to share what they have learned, struggles and victories that they have felt in the past week. So many come forward and share things and then are prayed over by their friends/ brothers and sisters in Christ afterwards. The love felt in that place is overwhelming.
As a counselor, it is different to watch this night. I am flooded with sympathy, empathy and prayers for each camper I have called my own. Filled with pride for their victories and happiness if they say that I have been able to help.
But this post isn't about them.
Its about what happens when the room clears out and there are just a few people left. One of my girls sat with another counselor and so I went to give support for her, to let her know I was there, to comfort her. And we did. We listened to her and prayed after. And then we hugged her. And then a friend hugged me. I thought it was just a hug but for some reason he wouldn't let go.
And then, the tears came. Without warning from me, he knew what I needed right then and there was support. And he gave it.
I still don't know how he knew, or why he decided to hang on to the hug but he did. And even though I've told him thank you, I still wonder why you know, and I still wanna say thank you over and over because the theme of the week was Encounters with God, and I know that He was there for me that night.
So thank you friend, for showing me God. Thank you very much.