Today

-i spent an enjoyable, nearly politic free afternoon with my family! We ate together, played the Wii and just enjoyed each other. Those times of just us four are rare now so it was truly cherished!
-our family party-planning committee put a huge dent in my dads no-longer surprise party. my mom and i got all the paper goods we will need...and somethings that will be a surprise to the birthday boy!
-i finally started packing for camp, which was my huge goal for today! my to-buy list has gotten a WHOLE lot shorter and im feeling better about something i usually am able to devote a whole lot better about.
- i was asked to babysit some of my favorite kids in the world! they asked for me FIRST! oh man, i wish i could have! it warms my heart that they love me!


Yesterday however, I went to Brookhaven, Mississippi. I went there to visit a friend in jail. I was absolutely terrified of what would happen because you see as many letters as I wrote and as many nights I stayed up late praying for his safety, I never sent the letters. I barely responded to the facebook messages sent through friends speaking of his current state. I was also scared of just being in prison. I don't remember it but we went to visit one of my uncles in jail often so I ought to know there really isnt anything to be afraid of but I couldn't prove that to my mind. As we drove my anxiety grew. A friend who has been a constant for Ben told the horror stories of his previous placements and how much nicer this place was. Honestly, he looked good-for where he was. We talked and I felt horrible for taking up so much precious time from everyone else. The one thing that lifted so much weight off of my shoulders was when he told me he meant to write me recently (he had no contact info so he couldnt). He said he wanted to write me and tell what was happening when we met, why he lied, why he can understand my anger and what he was running from and precisely why. It made me feel so much better about being angry and upset with him-I had previously thought I was in the wrong because he was hurting so much more than I could ever imagine. Anyway, that visit went well and then I played volleyball and went to IHOP.
I wish so much for days to end having spent the majority of its time with loved ones

Something exciting is happening! My best friends are happy :) Which in turn makes me happy. Through phone conversations it seems as if I've heard the same story twice-we hung around the same people but never met, we talked for hours and just clicked. Its funny how that happens but I really am very happy for my friends! And hope that the person who is making them happy continues to do so :)

On another note, one more season of The Biggest Loser is over and done with. Now, I was not nearly as interested in this season as I have been in others but I decided to pick it back up at the end this go around. Now, see here! I am a terribly guilty BL audience member. I would eat while watching that show. Rarely anything healthy, sometimes even ice cream! I feel guilty about that because my weight has been an issue since middle school. I never wanted to be this way, I've told myself many times that "this year will be the year I lose weight" "this time I'm serious" only to be derailed a few weeks or sometimes days later. I can give you a whole list of reasons why I think I failed but the only real one is that I didn't believe I could do it. Im not one to think very well of myself, being the fat girl for years really takes a toll on your self-esteem, I've never really been able to shop with friends, to do the same things that they do on a daily basis without being slower or breathing heavily afterwards. Its just become far too embarrassing to measure so I count myself out. I go shopping by myself and I avoid gyms and exercising in public at all costs so that I can...stay fat? My best friend is getting married in a little over a month and I wonder how many bridesmaid dresses she could have picked out had I been a size 12 instead of 24? I wonder what my life would have been had I lost my weight in high school like I wanted..or after freshman year at HU etc? I wonder what its like to not have to shop online for clothes because stores don't feel the need to carry your size on a regular basis. I wonder and I hurt. I push that hurt way down deep so that people may think Im happy the way I am but Im not, I don't think I could ever be truly happy. I mean, my body is a temple. The Bible says so. And yes, I drink and I've got tattoos but I don't think that compares at all to shortening my lifespan, shortening my available years to do work for the kingdom. This is all totally frustrating at the end of the season of BL. I always feel so inspired, if they can do it, so can I! But here I am, sitting on my bed, making myself feel better that I had a coke zero instead of a regular but trying to starve myself a little thinner for camp and the pictures that come with it by pretending that the hunger I'm feeling will go away. Which it will until later when I am ravenous.
Well, this post, which I intended to simply state that I am inspired by BL contestants went completely different than planned. But its out here for the world to see.....Im fed up! Im angry. I don't think I've ever actually stated these things before but Im glad its off my chest.....too bad typing isn't exercise ha!

Cutting back on sugar only makes me want it more. Empty calories just taste better. Well, that pretty much sums up my week. Ive had some interesting reactions to my meds. We (my mom and I) think that sometimes if I take it too late, my blood sugar gets far too low. Getting used to taking it on time is a big thing. Ive never been one to be a huge stickler for taking meds on time so this is important and new!

In other news, I went to the Zoo today! We took the kids on a field trip. We took a big yellow school bus and had a couple of hours to walk around! We had a blast, the kids had a grand time and were exhausted after. We fed them and put em down for a nap. We were tempted to take one with them! But I think this just proves how much Ive come to love teaching. Not that I didnt love it at first but I really do enjoy my job! I wish I had the summer off but beggars cannot be choosers. Also, a mom complimented me on how I handle the kids which made me feel great. And I dont think that having a kid want me to be near them will ever stop making my heart glow! Its the best feeling really, to be wanted.

Now im going to eat some ice cream
and yes, its sugar-free :)

Dear Baton Rouge,
While I appreciate your...effort in trying to find me Mr. Right HOWEVER men who do not understand how to begin a conversation/have walmart baskets filled with the oddest things will no longer be tolerated. Got it? Good.
Thanks, keep up the hard work!
*Courtney

In other news, I went to the doctor yesterday. Im thankful for several things after that visit. 1) my doctor is hopeful! she knows i can reverse this and that does a world of difference for me. 2) the medicine she prescribed for me is associated with weight loss! 3) it may not be prediabetes...but thats where the bad stuff starts. It could be polycystic ovaries which isnt great either. And if I begin to have an adverse reaction to this medication, I have to learn how to give myself shots. Everyday. Ugh.
But we are looking on the bright side. Im in the process of changing not only the way I eat but the way I think about eating which is so very hard. Im taking baby steps, right now its portions. I am striving to eat what I need instead of what I want. This is a huge battle! I cant tell you the number of times I ate because I was sad or upset or I ate to finish my plate or or or or. The exercise is the annoying part. Im embarrassed to do anything outside of my house but (see, excuses...im done now)

Things are looking up. Im excited about this change!

So this weekend, Ive stuck with my mantra. Only diet cokes and a conscious effort to not eat candy. Of course, I dont usually have trouble with that unless Im at school. This is going to be a tough week for me, not knowing all of the details of whats going on inside me yet starting a new diet plan on a trial basis. Its one of those pre-packaged meals dealios. There are shakes, bars, puddings, oatmeal and soups to choose from to eat 5 times a day with one "Lean and green" meal on your own. Its going to be a BIG change for me, eating six times a day, most days I have trouble with the normal 3 but I deserve to be healthy! Le Chaim! Im ready to break free of this wall Ive put up and be the person I know is inside. Plus I have some outside motivation as well! Camp is coming up....we are a very active group and I dont usually have a whole lot of trouble keeping up with activities, it'd be swell if I could get just a few pounds off though! And of course, my best friends wedding. The dress is bought and lovely but Im really working on my shoulders and arms as the style of the dress shows them off....i want them to be somewhat show-offable! Im not doing everything I can just yet but Im working on it!
I CANNOT become diabetic......I just wont let it happen. Being aggressive is the only gameplan for me. Even though I hate what Ive gotten myself into, I am liking this can-do spirit its brought out in me!