26 May, 2010

Something exciting is happening! My best friends are happy :) Which in turn makes me happy. Through phone conversations it seems as if I've heard the same story twice-we hung around the same people but never met, we talked for hours and just clicked. Its funny how that happens but I really am very happy for my friends! And hope that the person who is making them happy continues to do so :)

On another note, one more season of The Biggest Loser is over and done with. Now, I was not nearly as interested in this season as I have been in others but I decided to pick it back up at the end this go around. Now, see here! I am a terribly guilty BL audience member. I would eat while watching that show. Rarely anything healthy, sometimes even ice cream! I feel guilty about that because my weight has been an issue since middle school. I never wanted to be this way, I've told myself many times that "this year will be the year I lose weight" "this time I'm serious" only to be derailed a few weeks or sometimes days later. I can give you a whole list of reasons why I think I failed but the only real one is that I didn't believe I could do it. Im not one to think very well of myself, being the fat girl for years really takes a toll on your self-esteem, I've never really been able to shop with friends, to do the same things that they do on a daily basis without being slower or breathing heavily afterwards. Its just become far too embarrassing to measure so I count myself out. I go shopping by myself and I avoid gyms and exercising in public at all costs so that I can...stay fat? My best friend is getting married in a little over a month and I wonder how many bridesmaid dresses she could have picked out had I been a size 12 instead of 24? I wonder what my life would have been had I lost my weight in high school like I wanted..or after freshman year at HU etc? I wonder what its like to not have to shop online for clothes because stores don't feel the need to carry your size on a regular basis. I wonder and I hurt. I push that hurt way down deep so that people may think Im happy the way I am but Im not, I don't think I could ever be truly happy. I mean, my body is a temple. The Bible says so. And yes, I drink and I've got tattoos but I don't think that compares at all to shortening my lifespan, shortening my available years to do work for the kingdom. This is all totally frustrating at the end of the season of BL. I always feel so inspired, if they can do it, so can I! But here I am, sitting on my bed, making myself feel better that I had a coke zero instead of a regular but trying to starve myself a little thinner for camp and the pictures that come with it by pretending that the hunger I'm feeling will go away. Which it will until later when I am ravenous.
Well, this post, which I intended to simply state that I am inspired by BL contestants went completely different than planned. But its out here for the world to see.....Im fed up! Im angry. I don't think I've ever actually stated these things before but Im glad its off my chest.....too bad typing isn't exercise ha!

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