I'm not sure

I think thats the perfect way to put it.

Got to go and see "The Last 5 Years" last night. Wonderful. I really loved it.

Im very excited for Spring Break....lets see if we can make it a week together :)

I am a worryer

I constantly worry about how I come across to people, am I loving? Am I awful? Do I laugh too loud? Am I taking up too much space? Do you like me as a person? Do you just want me to leave?
Constantly.
Why does God love me? Why did Jesus have to die that way? When will I stop being so stubborn and just listen to His will for me? How can I live for Him today and still be me?
These questions plague me night and day. I fall asleep asking questions of myself, talking to God about what I am feeling. I wake up not feeling relief about my questions but happy that I was able to ask them!

Everywhere I turn, the Sermon on the Mount is being taught. Last semester at Downtown, my wednesday night Bible study, random days in chapel and at my home church! (I was there last Sunday). I think I am finally getting that I need to just read it for myself. I went through the things etched in memory the Beattitudes, the Lord's Prayer (I know it in KJV...Catholic-style) and then, there it was hidden at the end of Matthew 6:25-34.

Each day has its own trouble. hmmmmmmmmmmm

Sleep!

Is a precious and wonderful thing and I suppose that I am making up for last week but I sure have gotten a lot of it recently. I have been getting so worn out from the easiest things lately, its ridiculous!
The days have been getting prettier and prettier and I cannot wait until spring comes, sitting outside on the front lawn is one of my favorite things to do, so relaxing and you never know who will stop by and talk or color or what wonderful pictures you will get from it!

Im going home this weekend! Carmen will be twenty (seriously?) and its Mardi Gras! Lassiez les bons temps roulez! Im so excited, and Amanda is coming home with me! I am really looking forward to spending time with her since she moved and I only see her now during chapel or a scheduled time.

A friend recently said she was sad that I don't have a significant other. I said that I wasn't because I am currently happy with my situation in life. I am content and happy with what God has given me and whatever blessings he's got in store-bring em on, but in His good time.

Today was a good day!
and i hope it was for you too.

I was so excited, for the first time in weeks I watched tv with my friends...well sorta....we talked through it but thats ok!

I love my friends so much

Yesterday

Bekah came down and we ate a chilis and took pictures around town and then ate at Brick Oven and both of us single ladies had a BLAST!
If valentines day could be like that every year, I wouldn't mind it so much :)

oh, you want to SEE some of my favorite ones? well, ok
since you asked sooo nicely ;)

So this is awkward.

Ive never been moved to tears that I don't have a valentine.
Its never bothered me that much?
I used to try and give gifts to others because it made me feel better. Because I always hate it when I don't get anything. But I don't get anything and it sucks. I really wish I could sleep saturday away.

However, my bff rebekah is coming from conway to visit and we are going to eat and talk and shop. because thats what single ladies do.......

I am tired

and I ought to be sleeping
but this song is often on my heart.
Its one of my favorites ever and conveys so much of what I want to say to everyone every day.
Its called "Lean on Me"

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you don't let show

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me

So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

"For no one can fill those of your needs that you don't let show"
how true are those words in my life? Its a huge struggle for me to tell others things, but I am often reminded by this song that sharing struggles is what we are here to do for each other, to lean on each other when standing alone is impossible.

Im here for you to lean on.

Sometimes, it really hits me that I'm growing up.
And its an odd feeling that I like?

And yet, I wish I could still relate, or have ever related in the first place.

There is a feeling of dread in the air, I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life but I really have no clue. Others seem so set in their dreams and goals. I never dreamed or made plans. I just existed.

It has proved to be problematic

There's something Ive been meaning to say

And something I think you ought to tell me
but its rude to ask
which is dumb
so I wont

but, hey
you
yeah. YOU
I don't honestly know what I would do without your encouragement or your friendship. You have challeged me, made me see things, changed my perspective on the world!
Did you know you had that impact on/in my life?
Well, you do now. I kinda look up to you. I say that not to give pressure, but to tell you that I at least think you are doing something right.
Do you know that you are a precious child in God's kingdom? That he loves you with everything that is love? Well, he does! Please, don't forget that. It is too lonely in this world to be without love.


I don't know for sure who reads this on a regular basis....but for certain if your name is on the blogroll, this is for you. And if it isn't, and we are friends, its yours too.

15




15!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh babe weve come so far but weve got so far to go. i know the road seems hard but it wont be long till its time to go!

There is a framed piece of art hanging in my room. The only thing really on the walls to be truthful. I picked it up in Sausalito, Ca (and consequently I would adore living there one day) in a very charming little shop. I met the artist who was delightful and told us about the character she drew. At the time, she was called "no-name girl" she has a name now but its more fun to think of her then. She and I are kindred spirits.
anyway, the picture says imagine what you can do and do what you can imagine

In it, no-name girl seems to be flying, there are butterflies around, her eyes are closed and she is smiling.

She doesn't know where she is going and she is SMILING?!?!?!?!? Sometimes I look at her in confusion. How can she be so happy and not know. and sometimes, I am oh so very jealous. and sometimes, I know that God will take care of me and I need not worry, in fact, I may as well fly with my eyes closed, I don't have any control....gave that up a decade ago.


is this what a breakdown feels like? who knew it was so up and down?

Sometimes I really just want to throw a tantrum because it isn'fair. Life isn't fair. Second chances are given, first ones are never recieved. People try to figure out who they are and it backfires, people suppress their true feelings and it backfires. Cheaters prosper and the nice guy(or girl) really does come in last.

I know that my life is blessed by the people in it and the opportunities that I have been given and by a wonderfully amazing and forgiving God. I know that if life really were fair, that the wages of sin is death. I know that.


But I would like life to be fair and to give me my chance, my turn.

there's nothing wonderful about being a "late bloomer"