this weekend has been really long.
dont get me wrong, it was really fun and all. I mean, i saw a really good show sunday afternoon and hung out with people that i havent gotten to nearly all semester. and that was too much fun probably

but this weekend, above all things, i felt needed. i felt as if i didnt just exist but that i had a purpose even if it was just for the weekend. and that was wonderful. i havent felt needed or wanted around very much lately so this was a good thing i hope.

it hurts when you realize people you love dont want you around but it sooooo good to find people who do care, even if its just cos someone is out of town or something like that ya know?

maybe this is a premature feeling, i shouldnt get my hopes up........

sometimes
i, you, we
feel helpless
becuase
i, you, we
cannot know
the whole story
or what lies beneath

i wish a hug could change a life.

let me in to share your burden? let me in to share your joy?

I have made the ensemble for Oklahoma!
and yes, im really excited about it! i just wish everyone could be cast ya know.....*sigh*

I know this means i oughta be ready for lots and lots of dancin' in the fall......guess i should start trying to get in shape......again. Its also really weird. This would be my last musical if i were graduating on time. Things are going so super fast right now!

I had my faculty review yesterday. It went......Nothing I didnt already recognize or anything. I think my favorite part was when one of the professors told me they should not have given me this show! ARE YOU FRIKIN SERIOUS is what was going on in my head....I didnt really want it, just thought we had to give them options ya know? Oh well.

Im just really excited about the musical! I truly, honestly did not think I would get cast. Like for real. AHHHHHHHHH!

i spent six hours alone in my room.
why dont i call people and get out more?
why dont people call me?
i dont know

my room is clean
ive gotten two reports done


but i feel lonely.
life changes when you involve others, i just wish i didnt have to anticipate it

Reality

Ive been watching lots of "Reality" TV lately. Mostly ones where a man is presented with 20 women and puts them through a series of tests and several "one-on-one" dates to see which one he could really love or spend lots of time with until he needs money and tries again (even tho his heart has been broken blah blah blah)

something that has been really distressing me is the fact that these shows exist. have we really devalued love so much that we can put it up on television for all the world to see. devalued it to the point that we allow someone to pick from a group? really? these people are supposedly choosing who they are going to spend the rest of their lives with? REALLY?

it isnt going to make me stop watching "Rock of Love", "Flavor of Love" or even "The Bachelor" but i think its going to make the man God gives me (if its His will to do so) much more special.......cos i didnt have to give him a rose or a clock or a backstage pass for doing underhanded things to stay in the game.

im reading a book called "Searching for God knows what" by Donald Miller (he also wrote Blue Like Jazz). In the chapter im reading, he is talking about how lonely Adam must have been until Even came. I mean yes, he had God to talk to but he was the only man on earth and as many of us know, "no man is an island". Eve was precious to Adam, his help-meet and friend.

i dont really know where this was going anymore.....i was frustrated and now im close to tears.......bah

as time goes by.....

it is OVER! no really, i dont think i have ever felt this relieved!
My junior directing project is now over! I no longer have to worry about rehearsals or anything like that.....i just have to put everything together to show my professors now! my week wasn't so bad......things definetly got better, we never sold out but our audience grew each night so i do not count it a loss.

but now i am free and im not quite sure of what to do with my time. o i know, i could be working on homework....but who really wants to do that? there are so many friendships that i need to work on again and so many new ones that grew out of rehearsals that i need to keep up! i think ill just enjoy everything...i mean Amanda and I had brinner (breakfast at dinner for all you non-Scrubs fans out there) tonight! it was great and tomorrow we are having a SVU party! how exciting!


words from my heart...written by rogers and hammerstein lol(Cinderella)


The Sweetest Sounds, I'll ever hear
are still inside my head
The Kindest Words I'll ever know
are waiting to be said
The most entrancing sight of all
is yet for me to see....
and the dearest love in all the world
is waiting somewhere for me
is waiting somewhere.... somewhere for me.

Psalm 86:1-4

Bend down, O Lord, and hear my prayer;
answer me, for I need your help.
Protect me, for I am devoted to you.
Save me, for I serve you and trust you.
You are my God.
Be merciful to me, O Lord,
for I am calling on you constantly.
Give me happiness, O Lord,
for I give myself to you.

I have a wonderful friend who is currently encouraging me via the phone. I think its rather funny because Ive never had this happen before. But it is indeed encouraging, and Im thanking God today that this person is in my life.

He sent me this verse today, and i love it. Its embodying what im feeling right now this second! Its wonderful!

7 days

in the movie "The Ring" it is supposedly the scary message at the end of this movie you watch......

in real life it is going to be the most time-consuming week of my life. not only is this a huge project that is needy (we have rehearsal EVERY SINGLE NIGHT this week and they are going to be LOOONNNNGGGG!) but im still a full-time student! Ive got two tests in the days following this weekend and i dont have many friends that will not be involved with this, so everyone is going to be talking about it, asking me questions and etc......

im stressed! ive gotten two pimples in the last 36 hours......which i am not happy about at all.

im having difficulties which shouldnt be happening, everything is seeming to be one big misunderstanding that i cant fix alone but i so desperately need to right now. i need to be the person that people look to for answers and be able to give them i want to know the perfect thing to do in every aspect of life today


my heart is breaking and theres no one to kiss it and make it better

i dont know how to help anymore.
im completely losing control and i would rather not but what seemed to be working isn't anymore and i dont know what to do.
i have asked for help, i just wish that (and sorry mary, im not going to name names lol) all of you (aklsndafubedajfnedahufigdhgsjdgkljklvmrrjnasldkocrsaa) just knew what i feel when you dont listen

chances are you dont care. it wouldnt surprise me. i just really wish you could care, just for a minute.

my gargantuan Junior project will be performed tonight for my professors...who will tell me how i am doing and give me pointers on how i can change it



i am terrified that they will hate it. i KNOW that i am not a director but i really think that i have done my best.
and i know that my best is not enough

i sometimes wish there was a "back" button on life, i honestly may have spent less time in the theatre and more outside
or maybe i would have kept it as a minor
i dont know

im just so ready for this semester to be OVER! im so tired and ridiculously unorganized....even more so than i usually am and i hate it, i just dont have time to fix it.
ever
lame