My room is a MESS!

And really, until I can get some order in it, my life is too. My car and my room are the places where I spend the most time other than work. Today I cleaned out my car. And it felt really good when I was driving around! The rest of this week is going to be devoted to my room. Storage is a problem and Im working on getting stuff.

And clearly you care haha!

In slightly more (or less) important news, the whole being a better person thing took off well but has plateaued once again. Its hard to do all this personal work alone. I would love some close friends here but totally understand that it may take some time to get there! Im just really missing the friendships I had in college and really wanting those for myself here. Still looking for somewhere to truly belong and do NOT want to take that first step out of my comfort zone. Because being comfortable is so nice. And anxiety is no fun. Because I've gone to this church my entire life and I know Im called to be involved but Im also feeling a tug to look for a place that encourages me in the part of life Im at which is Post undergrad/semi-permanately employed/ wishing I was using my degree/single/early twenties person. I know thats a whole lot of things to serve but where I currently worship isnt cutting it. It makes me sad sometimes but I really think that putting feelers out there will be good for me.

But I really hate it.

Overwhelmed

Its what I am today. I am embracing being overwhelmed.

Today I:
talked with three year olds. They like me, I like them. They like to yell, I don't really. They think when you approach them instead of yelling, you are running to spank them. what a conundrum

sat for 45 minutes inside with a little girl who has an imaginary sister named James ( i asked her how its spelled...its starts with a U) and an anger problem as long as the Mississippi OH and shes been kicked out of THREE preschools for this behavior. We got to the bottom of one problem, shes got a crush on a little boy but the rest? who knows. I told her I put a good girl curse on her today, that somewhere inside theres a good girl! She started to show it a little after that, but who knows. Its frustrating having parents who only talk when something extra is needed.

was told that I didnt look happy. I cant remember a time when I was truly happy about/for myself! Right now I feel as if I've been thrown into the deep end of adulthood and told to keep my head up. Its hard to do right now because I dont feel my floaties. I know they are there, securely on my arms and around my waist. And I can't hear anyone cheering for me to keep going. So I keep slipping under and succumbing to the waves but pulling back up, looking. I don't know what I am to expect but we will see. One day, I'll pop up and someone will be there waiting, hoping to help me stay above, and letting me support them. But till then, Im kicking. Yell if you see me go under

Breakthrough

I met a Biggest Loser this weekend. I totally have proof! He was one of the nicest people I've ever met. He spoke for an hour about his experience in getting on the show, which is an AMAZING story I can let you in on another time. Except for this one thing. He said his story coming out of TBL wasn't about weight loss. That was just a side effect. His story was about learning to love himself.

(loving myself is something I dont know how to do)

He said that loving himself, as God loved him was half the battle that he had to fight. To let down the barriers keeping him from loosing the weight. He also said that serving others can become a barrier to God. To be honest, this is where I stopped listening. I began going over everything and applying it to my life. And I came to a point. A very BIG point.

I serve others for MY glory, not for Gods. I do things for people for the sole purpose of making myself look better and not to honor God with my actions. Its weird really, I never even thought about it. I think it just happened. Seriously though, who doesn't like to be thanked? Being thanked equals being loved? I don't know quite yet, but I do know that the purpose behind the things I do is changing. Its not done but I'm working on it.

We sang a song this weekend, and I don't know all the lyrics but it spoke about loving God from the inside out and letting Him change you from the inside out. These words, along with prayer about not letting anything kill my spirit are my new goals for the year!

I'm trading my shame, Im laying it down for the joy of the Lord

Welcome to Big-Girl world!

I thought I wouldnt start work until after a God-weekend in Florida BUT we make plans and God laughs! So, come Monday I will show up to school at 7:30 am and teach children hahaha.

Right now Im just chilling in my bedroom that is awfully messy because I still don't have any furniture other than plastic drawers and a bed. Im working on it of course! Growing up is so odd! When did I get old enough to have close friends get married? Have babies? Im living with my sister and not with my parents! I have guests over and entertain.

And I am single (and apparently its ok for wal-mart and every drug store to put out Valentines Day items BEFORE new years). And Im beginning to be ok with it. Like Mary and Rhoda. Except more like Mary and less like Rhoda.

And Im working on being a better person. Trying not to control everything, trying to have a better attitude, trying to control my temper. Praying that Im more patient. And im praying. not back to reading my BIble just yet, but working on at least talking to God.

Its hard to come back home for good and figure out where you fit in. At church im just there, I suppose I need to figure out how I can get involved but its weird right now. With friends, Ive always been the visitor and now that Im here full-time im having trouble deciding where Im supposed to fit into their already-scheduled programmed schedules. I sorta wish I could have moved somewhere with a bunch of friends and started over together with them. oh well

This too, shall pass