Yesterday was Sunday. I went to church. In fact, I went to sunday school (something I do now that I am involved in the youth group). But the important things happened in the sermon. Really, in the introduction to the sermon that I paid little attention to (sorry Mr. Eddie, but I was thinking about God).
I've been terribly lonely and down lately. The whole breaking a bone in your foot and being house-bound deal got old the day it happened and though they are wonderful at watching Glee and gossip, my friends aren't the drop by your house to see you type. Given this much time alone with my thoughts, did my best to avoid them at all costs and watched the ENTIRE series of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Not kidding. The few times I allowed myself time to think would be the times evil, mean thoughts entered my head. The same thoughts I've done battle with for years. The only difference is that there isn't anyone here to talk to. No close friend, no roommate who immediately notices a change. No one. I've become an expert at suppressing my feelings.
This weekend, because Thursday was payday, the act of suppression came through shopping. In line before me was a girl who I'm guessing was in high school. She and her mom were shopping (there was a sale at my favorite bra store and I had a coupon...I didn't really spend money I hadn't planned on). She was very quiet-the opposite of what most girls her age are, even when shopping with mom. And then I saw the scars. Scars I have too. Scars I know didn't hurt when they happened but hurt more and more over the years and my heart broke in two. It ached at the pain she must be feeling and the loneliness I know that caused her to need to hurt herself in that way.
On the way home, I burst into tears. Tears of pity for me but tears of pain and hurt and things that have been pent up since I left the support system that was Harding. And I cried for her, and every other girl that doesn't feel good enough or worth anything and how I don't know how to help them because I still don't know how to help myself.
All I can do now is pray that God takes these past months and however much longer it will be in the future and uses them to His purpose.Because no matter what others have said, they really don't know how I'm feeling.
And I pray they never will.