This weekend I went to a youth rally as a CHAPERONE! totally the first time for that. I really enjoyed it though-Watershed led worship and we had great lessons from some awesome speakers (Dusty Rush, Jeff Walling, Patrick Meade). Well, I know that youth rallies are directed at.....well youth! But I would be a huge liar if I said that I was just filling a necessary role for the church this weekend and that I wasn't more that an extra pair of eyes. Oh what a liar I'd be.
First off, I learned what it was to give-we took my car instead of the scarily broken church van
then, i learned what it was to give of yourself and to plan ahead so well for guests-we had an AMAZING hostess who opened her home to us and treated us to homemade goodies
I was reminded of how much fun adults get to have at a youth rally, saw the tired looks on the youth workers faces yet knew that their passion and willing spirits were not at all exhausted!

Now, the real lesson-the yucky, hard lesson I learned-or rather heard in a different way this weekend. We are God's bride. Easy right? No, have you read Hosea? She regularly left him for other men (in our case, other Gods) and in an effort to get her to focus only on him, Hosea took her out into the desert. He removed everything in her life that distracted her from him. That story is a parallel to our relationship with God.

God has me in a desert. He wants me to focus on Him. That hit me like when people get hit in that V8 commercial. I have been feeling so alone and asking God for someone to come along for me as a friend. I was asking God for someone else, I wasn't asking God for Him. For His help and my focus has NOT been on Him. Well, here goes, hopefully I'll make the most of my desert time. If God brought me here, he must be expecting me to follow Him out of it......

This week was NOT what I was hoping for. Not one bit.
Even with random extra work hours, Im still living paycheck to paycheck
Im so terribly lonely here, I have friends but not Christian ones and I can feel myself hardening to talking about God and my life as I strive (in some way) to follow Him


But this weekend, I got to make a difference. We had our first annual cupcake day for our youth group girls on Friday, and even though numbers were few, we had a grand time. Saturday I was able to go to my first LSU game of the season and today, spend it with the youth group again as we supported two of our own in Seussical (Harding REALLY needs to do it-youth forum 2012?) and then life group.
It was the trip home from life group that made everything worth it.
Theres a girl who recently moved here-not without knowing people but simply without a bestfriend and very lonely. She said that this weekend turned everything around for her, that it allowed her to get closer to people and make new/better friends with everyone.
So now, as I sit here, missing everyone and waiting patiently when I get to make that 8 hour trip to Searcy again to hug everyone, lonely ,praying for God to melt my heart and guide me through this busy week and watching Pushing Daisies on netflix (keepin it real) I am encouraged that some crazy little get together allowed someone to feel loved this weekend.

And that makes all the difference to me.

Yesterday was Sunday. I went to church. In fact, I went to sunday school (something I do now that I am involved in the youth group). But the important things happened in the sermon. Really, in the introduction to the sermon that I paid little attention to (sorry Mr. Eddie, but I was thinking about God).

I've been terribly lonely and down lately. The whole breaking a bone in your foot and being house-bound deal got old the day it happened and though they are wonderful at watching Glee and gossip, my friends aren't the drop by your house to see you type. Given this much time alone with my thoughts, did my best to avoid them at all costs and watched the ENTIRE series of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Not kidding. The few times I allowed myself time to think would be the times evil, mean thoughts entered my head. The same thoughts I've done battle with for years. The only difference is that there isn't anyone here to talk to. No close friend, no roommate who immediately notices a change. No one. I've become an expert at suppressing my feelings.

This weekend, because Thursday was payday, the act of suppression came through shopping. In line before me was a girl who I'm guessing was in high school. She and her mom were shopping (there was a sale at my favorite bra store and I had a coupon...I didn't really spend money I hadn't planned on). She was very quiet-the opposite of what most girls her age are, even when shopping with mom. And then I saw the scars. Scars I have too. Scars I know didn't hurt when they happened but hurt more and more over the years and my heart broke in two. It ached at the pain she must be feeling and the loneliness I know that caused her to need to hurt herself in that way.

On the way home, I burst into tears. Tears of pity for me but tears of pain and hurt and things that have been pent up since I left the support system that was Harding. And I cried for her, and every other girl that doesn't feel good enough or worth anything and how I don't know how to help them because I still don't know how to help myself.

All I can do now is pray that God takes these past months and however much longer it will be in the future and uses them to His purpose.Because no matter what others have said, they really don't know how I'm feeling.

And I pray they never will.