i dont understand

but at the same time i cant stop wondering.
how can i think of a mans pain on earth without thinking of Jesus?
a man who yes, had impact on my life but without Jesus, i wouldnt be here at all. i wouldnt have the hope of seeing Him in heaven one day with everyone rejoicing and praising him all the time. that seems alot better than just dying.
so why cant i just think of Him? why cant i just release my wants and follow His will? how does that become so hard so fast?