Once upon a summer, I made a friend. I had never made a friend like this-we were always together (as long as each of us weren't working). We talked about things. God-things, shallow things, things I had never discussed with anyone else. We talked on the phone. We ate together, read together and laughed together.
A little over a year ago, he went to jail. He began a five-year sentence for something I still can't fully wrap my head around, for pain that was inflicted on him. We had been out of touch for a few months, keeping conversations light and to the point. But one day I received a phone call that I hope I never have to go through again. I was wrought with emotions that week. I was leaving my wonderful job, getting ready to return to school and then this huge bomb. I'm still not entirely sure what I felt that week, but I know that I cried, I prayed and I thought a lot about him.
This summer, at the very beginning, before I knew I forgave him at all, I went to see him. As soon as I left Baton Rouge, everything told me to go back, but a still, small voice told me I could. I did. I made it. Without tears and with forgiveness. It can surprisingly easy!
I wish that I could say with that forgiveness, my mind forgot him, that my heart let him go. Unfortunately that isn't true. I want it to be so. I want it to be so bad. I want to not cry when I think about him. I want to forget. But I have decided that when I think about him (or about anyone really) to say a prayer. It is calming. It makes me feel better. It doesn't let me forget.

I wish I could

It has been so long since I went on a youth retreat of any sort. This weekend, I went as a *gasp* ADULT! I know, right? The theme of the weekend was "seriously" and we discussed several "churchisms" that are tossed around and how we are supposed to live them out etc....a good topic.
Things I expected from this weekend
-to be cold
-not to have any time to myself
-to serve in any way needed
-to not sleep well
And I got all of those! What I didn't expect was for God to speak to me. This was a weekend for the teens, for their walks. I suppose I should just begin to expect that all the time. I've noticed that, since I adknowledged my placement in the desert and started to rely on God the tiniest bit more, life goes a little smoother. This weekend, we discussed relationships with friends in a comparison to what God desires from us. I've heard that lesson a MILLION times but I don't think it ever spoke so clearly as it did on Saturday. And then, a God-thing happened. My best friend butt-dialed me. Now, I didnt get to speak to her but through the texts that came after that, we have made plans to catch up via a phone call this week. Coincidence? No! It was God. And then, today when we came back from the retreat, my old youth minister and his wife were at church. (yes, i had two youth ministers in my 7 years in the youth group Jason and Christina for 5 and Blaine for 1 1/2) [yes i know that adds up to 6 1/2] We went out to lunch together. Nothing was planned beforehand I just chalk this up to another God-thing. He knew I needed some small encouragement, something I know I've been lacking in giving lately as well, to keep me going. Life has been overwhelming lately what with my new duties at my job, my grandfathers deteriorating health and the stress that this gives my mother, volunteering with the youth group-and thats just the things I did this past week. Everything keeps coming and coming and it doesn't seem like it will slow down. And while some part of me understands that this is how life goes, that being an adult comes with all of these responsibilities, I know I can't do it alone.

So here I am God, reaching out once more after having failed yet again. Please pick me up and dust me off. Make me clean and whole and shiny. Mold me into the servant you desire me to be. I'll be the clay, I'll let you be the potter again.