Cutting back on sugar only makes me want it more. Empty calories just taste better. Well, that pretty much sums up my week. Ive had some interesting reactions to my meds. We (my mom and I) think that sometimes if I take it too late, my blood sugar gets far too low. Getting used to taking it on time is a big thing. Ive never been one to be a huge stickler for taking meds on time so this is important and new!

In other news, I went to the Zoo today! We took the kids on a field trip. We took a big yellow school bus and had a couple of hours to walk around! We had a blast, the kids had a grand time and were exhausted after. We fed them and put em down for a nap. We were tempted to take one with them! But I think this just proves how much Ive come to love teaching. Not that I didnt love it at first but I really do enjoy my job! I wish I had the summer off but beggars cannot be choosers. Also, a mom complimented me on how I handle the kids which made me feel great. And I dont think that having a kid want me to be near them will ever stop making my heart glow! Its the best feeling really, to be wanted.

Now im going to eat some ice cream
and yes, its sugar-free :)

Dear Baton Rouge,
While I appreciate your...effort in trying to find me Mr. Right HOWEVER men who do not understand how to begin a conversation/have walmart baskets filled with the oddest things will no longer be tolerated. Got it? Good.
Thanks, keep up the hard work!
*Courtney

In other news, I went to the doctor yesterday. Im thankful for several things after that visit. 1) my doctor is hopeful! she knows i can reverse this and that does a world of difference for me. 2) the medicine she prescribed for me is associated with weight loss! 3) it may not be prediabetes...but thats where the bad stuff starts. It could be polycystic ovaries which isnt great either. And if I begin to have an adverse reaction to this medication, I have to learn how to give myself shots. Everyday. Ugh.
But we are looking on the bright side. Im in the process of changing not only the way I eat but the way I think about eating which is so very hard. Im taking baby steps, right now its portions. I am striving to eat what I need instead of what I want. This is a huge battle! I cant tell you the number of times I ate because I was sad or upset or I ate to finish my plate or or or or. The exercise is the annoying part. Im embarrassed to do anything outside of my house but (see, excuses...im done now)

Things are looking up. Im excited about this change!

So this weekend, Ive stuck with my mantra. Only diet cokes and a conscious effort to not eat candy. Of course, I dont usually have trouble with that unless Im at school. This is going to be a tough week for me, not knowing all of the details of whats going on inside me yet starting a new diet plan on a trial basis. Its one of those pre-packaged meals dealios. There are shakes, bars, puddings, oatmeal and soups to choose from to eat 5 times a day with one "Lean and green" meal on your own. Its going to be a BIG change for me, eating six times a day, most days I have trouble with the normal 3 but I deserve to be healthy! Le Chaim! Im ready to break free of this wall Ive put up and be the person I know is inside. Plus I have some outside motivation as well! Camp is coming up....we are a very active group and I dont usually have a whole lot of trouble keeping up with activities, it'd be swell if I could get just a few pounds off though! And of course, my best friends wedding. The dress is bought and lovely but Im really working on my shoulders and arms as the style of the dress shows them off....i want them to be somewhat show-offable! Im not doing everything I can just yet but Im working on it!
I CANNOT become diabetic......I just wont let it happen. Being aggressive is the only gameplan for me. Even though I hate what Ive gotten myself into, I am liking this can-do spirit its brought out in me!

Today,no, this entire week really has been HARD. I feel as if I have bounced from one situation to another and I've still got tons floating around in my head.

Today though was especially prickly. I found out that I could get a life-altering disease. Now, Im not one to care in the long run what I put in my body. I've tried dozens of ways, albeit half-heartedly, to lose the weight I carry and nothing I ever try seems to stick. I can be gung-ho about trying something new and put effort in for a few days but after a while, when no one is watching or caring about my effort, I stop. I honestly don't think Im worth that effort. I figured, yes carrying extra weight hinders me from some things but generally, I overcome it. Dance? Check....Theatre? Check....Making Friends? Check. Seriously, I never thought it could come to this. But it has. My health is deteriorating. The medical family history I have is atrocious and I seem to have gotten every preventable disease we have ever had.
Suffice it to say, Im sick. Im sick and I am going to put forth the effort to fix it. No one is is responsible for me. I deserve to be healthy & happy don't I? Well, a small part of me thinks yes is being the answer (name that movie) and Dammit Janet (now name THAT one) I will. To be quite frank, I haven't told my parents yet. I think I am avoiding the inevitable barrage of questions I will receive and cannot answer beyond "thats what the doctor said" and "my appointment is thursday to talk and sort everything out until then, I'm doing my best to stay away from sugar and work out more". But I have told close friends. Their encouragement and willingness to be a good friend by "being there when needed" is overwhelmingly amazing! Its in the things you may think are little that God shows me He is still here in the terrible storm that I am going through. Which is an amazing feat in itself for me, the realization that God is still with me. But that folks is another story for another post. Today I just wanted to say Ill be blogging about this. Even though the number of consistent readers I have is FEW ( I know of....one haha) Its a way for me to keep myself accountable to my mantra

"I DESERVE to be healthy! Le Chaim!"
(thats right, I threw in a Fiddler quote! I could string together an amazing b'way mantra but not now :)



i deserve this

I am
-unfeeling
-self-absorbed
and apparently ive become callous
i have surrounded myself with people who dont encourage me. purposefully
im not willing to feel

im hurting, i hurt for others, i hurt because the person who told me this is my mother, i hurt because if anything not wanting to feel is a struggle and not something to be harped on. I hurt because i dont know how to respond to someone who has been busy most of my life wanting in on something so incredibly personal (to be fair, so has my dad...to be fair im quite used to it)

so im taking off for a few days. im not going anywhere, im just not going to be online. deleted fb, wont be tweeting....you can contact me if you so choose. which you wont and thats fine. im just having a hard time dealing with this and dealing publicly is rarely wise

Life is a Highway

No really, once youre out of college all of the sudden your friends dont live a 2 minute walk away. They live hours and hours away. Ive been blessed to be able to take two roadtrips to see my friends recently! The first one was to Searcy! It was.....odd being back at HU but it was truly wonderful seeing my friends, my family that was there for me when i needed them for 4 1/2 years and counting! The short time I was able to spend with them was just what I needed.
This past weekend I went to Georgia with friends from High School. We were able to surprise another friend for her birthday and make amazing memories! And I was able to see Adam and Katie which was way perfect!
Life for me lately has indeed been a highway. I know Im nowhere near to a stopping point, that there is still lots of places for me to go and things for me to see but, for now, im glad I dont have any definite plans until July. I get to stay put and enjoy being home!
In other news, after a WHOLE lot of going back and forth in making any resolutions for new years/ not giving anything up for lent, i have made goals for myself. And yes they may seem silly and a little pointless to others but hey, if im supposed to believe in myself, that i can actually do anything for anyone else, i have to start with the little things for myself right?
also....my best friend is getting marriend in 88 days. That is so awesomely cool and really sad.....we will truly be at completely different stages in life but im so happy for her! And im busy trying to look good in the cute dress she picked out!

Well, now i must go get ready to educate the future. Maybe today they wont complain, bite, hit, yell at or taunt each other. Maybe today we will talk about what we want to be when we all grow up and they will have real jobs listed instead of Princess or Dinosaur......we shall see!

Community

This weekend I went to a retreat that the college group here hosted. The speaker talked about "Real Spirituality" and it was a great weekend! I learned a whole lot. Saturday night we did an exercise where we meditated on an "issue" we had. We read scripture and applied it and then prayed about it and wrote ways we could let God work in it.

To be honest, many of my answers were angry

After this whole shebang, we went and prayed with either the speaker or one of the ministers of the college group. While talking (because we know how much I love to do that) he seemed to identify my "issue" with just a couple of words "missing community".

I was surprised at how I reacted to that. I was happy because to me it made PERFECT sense. I was sad because I thought we were all connected as a community of believers and here I am, in this floaty place with no where to go and I was angry. Angry because I thought that being with God meant never being alone-but thats what I feel.

So this is me, trying to figure out my future and my place in the world.