So a LOT has happened since I last blogged.
1. I quit my job
2. I got a job that pays 3x my old one (Im the nanny to Austin and Adaline-3 month old twins!)
3. I decided that I am worth it. "It" is respect and complements and love and time and and and. Im trying to find confidence in myself and exude that confidence.
4. Im doing my best to pray more. Because my mind is doing its best to worry more. I cant stand how much im worrying-and its getting me nowhere fast. I also have some very specific things on my heart that I need to pester God with :)
5. I moved back in with my parents. As much as im loving the free food and the U-Verse tv, I am so ready to be on my own....again. I love my family and it is nice seeing them more often but I am 23.....OH so close to being 24! I have goals of catching up on my loan payments, putting money in my savings account (again) and getting my own place. (one that takes dogs....i also plan on having a dog)
I think that about sums it up for now!
14 August, 2011
12 June, 2011
30 May, 2011
oh heavens. I have got to figure out this weight-loss thing. I eat too much junk but still not enough "points" for weight watchers, loss doesnt happen fast enough for me, I dont exercise as regularly as i should.
But its HARD WORK. emphasis on the work part. There is a lot of me to lug around. Shit, howd I let myself get this way? I disgust even myself! I look at the people on weight loss shows and im jealous of their support system, of the fact that they have someone to push them. Im jealous of the results, the time they get to spend working out and the real tips they get on eating.
theres so much in my life that my weight is holding me back from. plus if my body is Gods temple, what am i saying about God? ugh. i wish i had someone to talk to this about. i feel like my mom sets me up to fail, and i learned from the best so.......
But its HARD WORK. emphasis on the work part. There is a lot of me to lug around. Shit, howd I let myself get this way? I disgust even myself! I look at the people on weight loss shows and im jealous of their support system, of the fact that they have someone to push them. Im jealous of the results, the time they get to spend working out and the real tips they get on eating.
theres so much in my life that my weight is holding me back from. plus if my body is Gods temple, what am i saying about God? ugh. i wish i had someone to talk to this about. i feel like my mom sets me up to fail, and i learned from the best so.......
08 May, 2011
Sometimes I get overwhelmed. I don't want to get out of bed or do anything. My thoughts begin to doubt the people who love me and the positive things they say and instead, I begin to think about....no dwell on every negative thing ever.
Its tough
And even though I can now see that Im slipping, that Im not happy anymore.....again.......the climb back to the top of this valley is ridiculous. Its mostly quicksand and tiny handholds that I can barely grip. I cry out to God, expecting this majestically large hand to reach in and then I can grab onto the edge of His pinky nail and He pulls me out. When this doesn't happen, I sink further, the light at the top becomes dimmer and dimmer and I swear nothing but the thought that God won't leave you, all things happen to His glory, that nothing I go through in life is useless is the only thing that keeps me going. My faith, my hope keeps me from giving up.
But right now, that faith is shaky. It is so hard to believe that God really has a plan for me. I never thought about life this far ahead besides the typical desire to marry and have a family. I never planned what job I would have or gave myself goals. Its a weird feeling but its like God didn't either. I feel like it doesn't matter to Him what I do, what moves I make, what path I take. I feel invaluable to this amazing being that gave His son up for me and now its like I have disappointed Him and he doesn't care. He is punishing me. And Im just sitting here, wondering what I can do to make Him happy, to be in his favor again so my life can once again have joy and peace and love.
This is where Im living. In a constant state of questioning things, life, love, trust, people. Everything. This place Im living, I hate it. Anyone got answers to my questions?
Its tough
And even though I can now see that Im slipping, that Im not happy anymore.....again.......the climb back to the top of this valley is ridiculous. Its mostly quicksand and tiny handholds that I can barely grip. I cry out to God, expecting this majestically large hand to reach in and then I can grab onto the edge of His pinky nail and He pulls me out. When this doesn't happen, I sink further, the light at the top becomes dimmer and dimmer and I swear nothing but the thought that God won't leave you, all things happen to His glory, that nothing I go through in life is useless is the only thing that keeps me going. My faith, my hope keeps me from giving up.
But right now, that faith is shaky. It is so hard to believe that God really has a plan for me. I never thought about life this far ahead besides the typical desire to marry and have a family. I never planned what job I would have or gave myself goals. Its a weird feeling but its like God didn't either. I feel like it doesn't matter to Him what I do, what moves I make, what path I take. I feel invaluable to this amazing being that gave His son up for me and now its like I have disappointed Him and he doesn't care. He is punishing me. And Im just sitting here, wondering what I can do to make Him happy, to be in his favor again so my life can once again have joy and peace and love.
This is where Im living. In a constant state of questioning things, life, love, trust, people. Everything. This place Im living, I hate it. Anyone got answers to my questions?
03 May, 2011
the nice guys
In the youth group I volunteer with, there is this trio. 2 guys and a girl. They are all great friends and spend a lot of their time away from the yg with each other when they can. Each member trio makes me laugh, confides in me and has taught me in their own ways.
They also wrapped my car in saran wrap and stole it. Two separate occasions.
So, to "repay" me for their pranks, they took me on a geocache where the end result was a present they put together for me! A sweet note, some smell-good stuff, a gift card to the best cupcake shop on earth AND a bracelet that says "faith, hope, love" to match my tattoo
Let me first say that Im really glad they know how much those words mean to me. Period. I mean, I know why I got them permanently placed on my body but I also know I dont articulate thingsto the degree that I want to. They searched for this bracelet because they knew.
Anyway, next to each word is a small picture faith has a cross, love a heart and hope, well hope has an anchor. I love hope. Its my favorite. Hope is what keeps the Disney magic in me going, the fun, colorful parts of me that people seem to love? Thats hope. Hope is an anchor for faith. I LOVE that imagery. The disciples hoped that they would make it through the storm and while Jesus said they had little faith He never said they didnt have any. I think the little that they had was strung on hopes anchor.
They also wrapped my car in saran wrap and stole it. Two separate occasions.
So, to "repay" me for their pranks, they took me on a geocache where the end result was a present they put together for me! A sweet note, some smell-good stuff, a gift card to the best cupcake shop on earth AND a bracelet that says "faith, hope, love" to match my tattoo
Let me first say that Im really glad they know how much those words mean to me. Period. I mean, I know why I got them permanently placed on my body but I also know I dont articulate thingsto the degree that I want to. They searched for this bracelet because they knew.
Anyway, next to each word is a small picture faith has a cross, love a heart and hope, well hope has an anchor. I love hope. Its my favorite. Hope is what keeps the Disney magic in me going, the fun, colorful parts of me that people seem to love? Thats hope. Hope is an anchor for faith. I LOVE that imagery. The disciples hoped that they would make it through the storm and while Jesus said they had little faith He never said they didnt have any. I think the little that they had was strung on hopes anchor.
19 April, 2011
A hand to hold, A shoulder to cry on
thats what Im missing about my HU friends right now. Someone who can be there further than the pity drinks they are so willing to buy.
These are the times when I miss sonic runs, and the dorm and walks around campus and so many more other times of randomness when My friends and I got to just be there for each other. Im so jealous of those moments! Anyway....if you read this, say a prayer for me. These next two days arent going to be the easiest in my life. I truly hate funerals.
These are the times when I miss sonic runs, and the dorm and walks around campus and so many more other times of randomness when My friends and I got to just be there for each other. Im so jealous of those moments! Anyway....if you read this, say a prayer for me. These next two days arent going to be the easiest in my life. I truly hate funerals.
17 April, 2011
Booty Camp
ok, its not really called booty camp, thats just what we've nick-named it...you know cos it will kick you in the booty? ha...ha?
I completed my first full week (4 days) this past week. Boot camp actually started the week before...and so did I but then came down with the WORST sinus infection ever! So this week was my first full week. I really enjoyed it! As sore as I come out of it, I can already feel a change in myself- for one thing, I don't tire as easily! During the workouts, and after all I crave is water so that has helped as well. I really like learning new exercises and challenging myself...which lets face it aint hard. Its really hard to move all this weight around to try and do some of these things though. I can see now that this is going to be a journey. It won't be easy to lose this weight-its going to take work. A lot more work than I thought but I feel up to the challenge.
I just bought a swimsuit because the youth group is going to the beach in two weeks. I know that miracles wont happen between then and now, but 5 pounds will make a difference! 10 pounds would be fabulous. We will see real life ain't like The Biggest Loser! Anyway, I felt bad this weekend because I didnt work out Friday or Saturday....however I did a LOT of housework Saturday so I think that counts towards my goal. I just did a 30 min. mini workout while watching TV. It felt good to be moving again and I think Ill make it a goal to do that more often!
I will be ready for camp
I will walk up the hill more often this year!
I will be able to do regular burpees soon!
I will eat healthier!
I can and I will!
I completed my first full week (4 days) this past week. Boot camp actually started the week before...and so did I but then came down with the WORST sinus infection ever! So this week was my first full week. I really enjoyed it! As sore as I come out of it, I can already feel a change in myself- for one thing, I don't tire as easily! During the workouts, and after all I crave is water so that has helped as well. I really like learning new exercises and challenging myself...which lets face it aint hard. Its really hard to move all this weight around to try and do some of these things though. I can see now that this is going to be a journey. It won't be easy to lose this weight-its going to take work. A lot more work than I thought but I feel up to the challenge.
I just bought a swimsuit because the youth group is going to the beach in two weeks. I know that miracles wont happen between then and now, but 5 pounds will make a difference! 10 pounds would be fabulous. We will see real life ain't like The Biggest Loser! Anyway, I felt bad this weekend because I didnt work out Friday or Saturday....however I did a LOT of housework Saturday so I think that counts towards my goal. I just did a 30 min. mini workout while watching TV. It felt good to be moving again and I think Ill make it a goal to do that more often!
I will be ready for camp
I will walk up the hill more often this year!
I will be able to do regular burpees soon!
I will eat healthier!
I can and I will!
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