tomorrow i will be twenty one.

i feel as if i should not care
i want to

i wish i could look back on the past twenty years and be happy. maybe tomorrow. right now there is just so much to talk about and no one to tell. its so hard.

i need to let myself cry. why is that so hard, why on earth do i feel the need to keep everything closed up inside even from myself. life is easy when i dont need things from other people. if i could stop doing that i could sever ties and feelings and be ok.

The effects of being alone all day long

I have to learn to love myself
but find it easier to make a list of things I hate about me.


I got a new license today.....im actually legally driving right now! Well not at this second, but you know what I mean.
I can't wait to go back to school! I will be taking French, Medieval European History, Acting Style, Christ and Culture, American Government (what better time to do so?) and...... Weight Training. Oh and this will be my final section of 222 that I have to take. I am a SENIOR in COLLEGE. I know I end up saying this a whole lot but I never expected this and really don't know what to do when I get out of school. I don't know where to go, where to look to go. Nothing. I almost feel like taking time off to figure out things. Go to NYC or back to Europe and just be for a while, anything to put off being an adult.

I would like to paint my room....

sometimes it takes me quite a while to write on this thing, its summer and blogging life slows down just as real life presumably does. i have just been really very busy and havent had much to say.

however, today i do

arent you the luckiest!

the last two weeks, i have been in two classes instead of my usual one. At first during this session, i was only taking Statistics. then my friend susan, was afraid that the Bible class she enrolled in would get cancelled, so to make it look like people wanted to take it, i enrolled too. Also the more hours i can rack up before next Spring, the easier it will be to remove my residence from harding to somewhere....OFF CAMPUS! so you see i had completely selfish reasons for taking this class.

This class was on the book of Ephesians.....which was also the basis of CSA first session this year. I think its haunting me......

ANYWAY, however excited i was to be taking just one more hour, i was excited to learn, it is indeed something i enjoy. this book had so much for me to learn, and has helped me understand so much more than that! i truly enjoyed taking this calss and all of the insights it offered. it was wonderful, i hope that other Bible courses I take will be just as "worth it"

Post # 124

Sometimes I wish that people could see how frustrated I am at myself and leave me be for a second.

i may not look fragile but that does not mean i do not want/deserve to be taken care of.

Summer is going ok. Right now Im sitting in an entirely too warm coffeeshop using their free internet b/c the stuff i "borrow" at my house is being lame. School is going well so far, i am starting a new class tomorrow on Ephesians! I am not working as much as i wish i could, but im looking for jobs on and off campus that dont require tooo much time/energy.....school and Oklahoma are going to take a LOT of time. Im going to make an appointment tomorrow to get my knee checked out- FINALLY! Its been a painfule few weeks for me.

Ive made a new friend and gotten closer to some older ones which is very nice. Im just sad that things will change so much when school starts again.

i wish this summer would slow down
i wish i had time to take a break
i wish i knew why im not sleeping
i wish i knew why i keep tearing up
i wish this didnt sound so EMO!

Camp Smiling Acres First Session 2008

I went to camp.
I wanted to do good things
even if it meant only for one person
i think i did well.

It took me a week to write more than just those words above!
First, I think I ought to tell you readers (cos i know i have sooo many) that I did indeed injure myself this year.........I dislocated my knee and yes, it hurt and it still hurts......*sigh*.

Now, Camp was simpy amazing. I wish that feeling could last forever! The feeling that God is so near, that I was so close to Him.....I hate when I get hit with the problems I face outside of that and forget. I know what I need to do and yet I dont, I know I ought to be more thankful and repentant, but that would make the real me show now wouldnt it
and we simply cannot have that.

I love being back in Searcy. I have had alot of fun with my friends this week, we tie-dyed t-shirts! and i got a FISH! He is a Beta and his name is Mr. Darcy. He is blue.

Tomorrow I start my Summer II class.........Im thankful and glad to have something to give my attention to!

i hope you have a good day

better than last year...or ezra

goodness, its been quite some time since I last updated this thing!
so sorry to my loyal loyal fans out there who i can only imagine check each and every hour to see if I have posted more about my not-so exciting life this summer!

I knew that this summer was going to be better than last years, and its TOTALLY proven itself worthy!

lets see, since the last time i posted, i went home for a week but now im back in Searcy until of course I leave on Friday morning to go home for CAMP SMILING ACRES, my favorite summer activity since the fourth grade!
Being back in Searcy has been fun, I do have a job, a small one but a job none the less and I have really enjoyed hangning out with my friends. I love the freedom to go places without the constraint of homework or curfew! I love lazy afternoons, reading in the shade with friends, dinner and Wal-Mart trips! Movie nights are made more fun when you spot and 8-year-old Miley Cyrus in it and moving day is made more fun by the Latin Rumbon station on my satellite radio. This summer has high standards that it will indeed meet and surpass.

Today

I do not like confrontation.
I do not like it when I have to bring up a subject, I would be much happier to dance around a subject than to actually talk about it.
I do not like to be by myself. I get too much time to think.
I do not like it when there is no music.
I do not like to be talked down to
I do not like to be left out
I do not like that I speak before I think

I like to be with happy people
I like it when people know they can tell me what is going on, happy or sad even if I don't completely understand what they are going through
I like the accomplished feeling of being sore everyday.
I like that I know movies by heart.

I hate that the second list took twice as long as the first


Sometimes, when I really want to torture myself for something stupid Ive done, I want to know what others think of me for real.
Sometimes, Im glad that everyone lies.