Then she lived......

In just a few short days, my career as a student here will be over. I will have completed an entire stage of my life and entered a new one.

That is just SO weird. I cannot believe that 4 1/2 years has gone by so fast. I suppose I realize that people move on and grow up. They leave Harding and thrive even apart from the people who have loved and supported them for the time they lived here. I am amazed that I made it through this! There were times I thought I wouldn't return, there were times when I knew I wasn't good or smart enough. I can't believe I have a job after this. Starting January 4, I will be employed. I will have to request time off and have responsibilities to enrich children's lives.

And I am terrified.

Even though I am not a big sharer of things in my life, I don't know what to do without people who are willing to do that. I have friends at home but the relationships there have been limited by the time I get to visit. Will they like me on a long-term basis? Where can I find friends my own age? What does God hold in my future? These questions plague me as I prepare to leave the comfort of college.

Seeing as I have just over a week left as a resident of Searcy, Arkansas I will figure out a way to relish time here with those I love. Because as much as it hurts to admit, I was loved here. I found out I could be loved here and for that Searcy- I can't hate you.

And I just hate to say goodbye.......

Lets face it.
Im leaving. Im graduating and leaving
Its a long time coming and I am so ready for it. The work that I have left to do is nearly overwhelming me but I know I can do it. The time I have here is short and full of time-consuming activities but
I feel empty
I feel as if I leave HU having done nothing significant, not having touched anyone, that I haven't left any sort of legacy.
Im sort of glad I only have two weeks left here-its not fun to be on the "I only gave a little" end of a relationship. truly, HU has given me so many memories, friendships and opportunities that I couldn't have gotten in other places

Ill just fade into the sea of faces of people who flew under the radar

Goings on

Well, I suppose I must first apologize to the 2.7 people who read this blog. I haven't posted in an entire month! For that, you must forgive me. Its ok if you don't. Ive forgiven myself

Anyway, tonight was the final performance of Scrooge! The musical. And thats that

Last weekend (yes folks, that effectively means Friday and Saturday) I read a book called "Underneath the Overpass". It tells the story of two college guys who take 4 months to live on the street. They took a backpack, a sleeping bag and their guitars and went out into the world of the homeless in America, going hungry, eating out of garbage cans, making money by playing worship music. Their story of how they survived this time and what they learned touched me. For a while now, Ive been wondering how I can help on a small scale. Ive been hoping for guidance in what I can do in BR once I graduate.
Now, I know

I can help the homeless.

There are several ways I have thought of executing this call
1- make lunches that have nonperishables, water, toothbrushes & baby wipes. I had forgotten how much I take for granted the ability to take a shower whenever I decide to and brush my teeth! Or for that matter, go to the faucet for water.
2- I will be moving out of Arkansas soon. I have so much in the way of warm winter wear that BR will never see. Instead of giving those items to the Salvation Army or Goodwill, how about DIRECTLY to those who need it?
3- Stop taking the little things for granted. I need to learn to be thankful for what I have. Thankful that life experiences haven't lead me down to a place of seemingly no return. I grew up in a Christian household! I know what God expects of me and I ought to live it!

Anyway, I just wanted to put this in writing. To let 2.7 people know whats on my heart and possibly encourage others!

I rarely got sick before I began college. Since being at college, I have acquired allergies, Ive had Bronchitis, the Flu, an Ulcer, some ridiculously awful sore throats, strep throat and mono.
Those last two completely changed the rest of my semester. The powers that be removed me from the musical. I understand that they want me healthy. I appreciate that they are acting as surrogate parents and I know that this was a hard desicion
But this was my last show, my last hurrah as an HU theatre student. I even had a line! I know performance isn't my strong suit, so stop thinking it. I KNOW. But I also know how much I love being on that stage. I know what I expected from this semester and this isnt it.
And everything about this disappointment is reminding me Im pretty much alone and once I graduate I'll have to figure out life for myself on my own. I don't really know that I can do this.

Today, I decided to write Ben a card/letter that will actually get sent to him in the mail. I have written him at least one letter for every week since it happened but I haven't been able to send any. Some letters were angry. Some were sympathetic. Some were about my day.
I haven't been able to send any of them yet because I can't rationalize the things I want to say. I don't know how to make what I say significant. What happened has made me see so many things in a whole new way and given me nightmares at the same time. I cannot fathom his hurt, his pain his shame and I hurt for him.
I just wish I could call him and let him know I care.

I do so truly wish that I had the ability to properly express what I feel to others and in proper language that is neither vulgar or profane. However, since I am severely lacking in this area of my life, I leave you with the childlike gibberish that comes from banging on ones keyboard to express frustration, stress and, the utmost of feminine emotion, the desire to cry ones eyes out and be hugged while doing so.

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wj;tiagelghluweuj kaehnovyengrilehg oj lkae vg,admuvgeaumjgvhk kfb vsgvhgasvbgvjbfgcw.sgbleorjganewjfkag ew ih.jaeoiy;/YILKJGALBAIOGYALKEMTKuoJEGMN,AH;LGBJKHSRGKWHFUJKSDNGL/DHGIOENHKEBGLIOKDRKJGNWKGNAIEJGJKEAHGKSBG;MERKGHAS FDGKLjkerjgijengiea;tnebohegeiug;lejgiaormgnjkaev h tngkl/gldeejopeoeopyjejp[owjophj[h

Have a wonderful day.

So....I may or may not have a crush on my chapel buddy. Then I told him I would make him cupcakes for his birthday.
Who am I? I NEVER do things like that.....and I cant believe I am doing "stupid girl things" like this. Im like 13
Great